New Year’s Resolutions: Yay or Nay?

Jan 5, 2019 | Blog, goals, inner voice, Kristen, making changes, shame, Uncategorized

I was talking with some people the other day and all I could keep thinking about was transitions, especially as we all transition to this new year of 2019. What are transitions? When are we in transition periods? Well, one is the new year. We think about how our past year has been and what we hope for the new year as it begins. Basically, we transition any time there is a change (and this happens more often than once a year!). During the new year, we all start thinking about whether, or not, we will make a New Year’s Resolution. I am curious about why we do, or do not, make them. Regardless if you are one who does make New Year’s Resolutions or not, how do you feel about them? How do you feel about them now? How do you feel about them in the past? How will you feel about them in a month? Six months from now? At the end of the year?

Have you ever wondered if you are ready to make the changes on your New Year’s Resolution list? I ask because it doesn’t matter what time of year it is, when we are ready, we will just do it (such as starting to exercise, cleaning out our clutter, starting that new business, working on our relationships etc). Until we are ready, it isn’t going to happen because there are things we still need to work through and let go of thinking we can control them. For example, maybe we want to control our kids, our parents, our relationships, etc. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but there isn’t much we do have control of in this world. And when I try to control my actions, and it isn’t something I want to do; I am going to not do it, basically giving my middle finger to the world. And then what do we do? When we do not complete or finish our list, we can sometimes beat ourselves up about not completing our goals. BUT! Not to worry, you are among friends, less than 1% of people are still working on their New Year’s Resolutions in the first 2 weeks of February. Yes, you heard me correctly, less than 1%. Why? The answer is simple, because people don’t want to, which is totally fine! We do what we want, not necessarily what we need to do. Oftentimes I think about trying to hold onto something because it gives me the illusion of control over something that I don’t really have control of. Okay, so what can I control then? Myself. Sometimes.

Okay, well, now I possibly know I am not ready for the things on my New Year’s Resolution list, now what? Well, now we can talk about what are the things that are bothering you, poking you, peeving you off (perhaps this blog?). What is holding you back from doing what you truly want to do and not beating yourself up about it? We can do that alone, but sometimes it is easier looking at those things with someone who isn’t also going to beat us up about not finishing every, last thing on our New Year’s Resolution list. So, I’ll ask again, how do you feel about New Year’s Resolutions?

Thank you for reading and I truly do hope this is a wonderful, peaceful year for you!

Big Changes!

Mar 27, 2018 | making changes, Nancy Eisenman, Uncategorized

A lot of changes have happened with me since I last blogged. I left my previous practice, and opened the doors to Peace Counseling Group! In fact, we just celebrated our one year anniversary! Wow, that flew. I have been busy this year: creating a new website, marketing, admin…all kinds of things besides seeing clients, so blogging has been one thing that has been put on the back burner. Now that things have settled in a bit, I am determined to blog again regularly! I hope you will get to know the staff better through their content as well.

I could not be happier about this change, and things are going so well! We’ve recently added to our staff again. Kristen Swart, MSW, LSW has been with me from the beginning, and now Kaitlin Whelan, MA, MFT has joined us as well. You will be hearing from them, too, as we produce more content for our blogs. We hope you will find the information we provide to inform, enrich, and entertain you!

If you have any subjects you would like for us to address specifically in our blogs, please let us know. We’re happy to take requests! Thank you for your support!

A Strong, Non-Reactive Voice

Jun 22, 2014 | Blog, boundaries, codependency, grace, inner voice, making changes, respect, Uncategorized

It is a most beautiful summer day and I am enjoying watching my kids swim in the warm sunshine. What a great day! Today I want to talk about one of the goals of therapy, recovery, and differentiation in general. It is a phrase that I use often to describe that elusive middle ground where peace thrives and relationships are the safest. It is having a “strong, non-reactive voice.” What does that mean, and how does one have a strong, yet non-reactive voice?
Let’s break it down piece by piece. First let’s start with having a voice. Your voice, the one that is uniquely yours, is how the essence of you comes to life. It’s yours to own, and no one can take it from you without your complete cooperation. Manytimes people will give up their voice, or who they are, in exchange for something else. It could be for acceptance, attention, or to decrease anxiety in some other way. This is the case with codependency. Others may use their voice too strongly, and crush others’ freedoms and rights with criticism or demands. This is a trait of counterdependency. Having a voice involves knowing yourself, who you are and who you are not, and knowing where your boundaries are and what you will and won’t tolerate.

Next let’s tackle the “strong” part. Having a strong voice is all about knowing exactly where those boundaries you have are, on all kinds of subjects. Some examples….Where are your physical/sexual boundaries? What about how people talk to you and on what subjects? How about personal space? What about when talking about potentially heated subjects like politics and religion? How do you feel about name-calling? What about when people lie about you or spread rumors? The list continues for every subject you can have an opinion on. Do you know what you think and how you feel? Or do you go along with the crowd or believe someone who tells you what you should do or who you should be? Having a strong voice involves knowing who you are, and having the courage to voice that opinion in the face of others’ possible disapproval.
Lastly, we have the non-reactive piece. Having a non-reactive voice means controlling not only the pitch and decibel level of your actual speech, but also being able to discern what part of the interaction is for you to take responsibility for, and any part that is not your responsibility. This requires a lot of insight into yourself, with patience and practice to hold your tongue and courage to use it when it’s not time to be quiet. My grandmother used to say that the tongue takes 2 years to learn how to use and a lifetime to learn how to control. So true. By knowing our own issues and understanding the issues of others, we can more skillfully choose our words based on our truth and beliefs, and avoid the pitfalls that come when we take the bait of taking things personally. We can also control our tone. How something is said is just as important as what it said.

Think about what it would sound like to have a strong non-reactive voice. It is confident because it knows itself, and it is calm and filled with compassion and acceptance for others because it accepts itself. It sounds neutral in tone, yet quite matter of fact. Mastering the ability to control your tongue is vital for healthy and intimate relationships.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you are having a delightful summer! Enjoy the sunshine!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

There Is No Substitute

Jun 15, 2014 | Blog, divorce, grace, making changes, Uncategorized

What a beautiful morning! There is a bird singing outside my window and the sunrise was breathtaking. While it is not my norm, I am more of a night owl, I woke up early this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep, so I thought I’d blog awhile. The subject I want to tackle today is of vital importance to not only successful therapy, but is, in my mind at least, vital to a successful life. And for this amazing thing, there is no substitute and no faking, you have to have the real thing.
So what is this magical stuff? It is one of the simplest things to understand, yet one of the most difficult things to actually pull off. It is humility. Why, you may be asking, is humility of all things the most important thing when it comes to life and relationships? Humility seems like it would be for cowards and wimps, right? If I lower myself, I’m beneath everyone else and that’s a bad place to be, right?

I love to find the wisdom in paradoxes. As is many times the case, particularly in relationships, the way up is down. The way to a fulfilling, vibrant, and connected relationship is not to be the loudest and most insistent that you get your needs met, or that you know what the problem is with your partner. Almost everyone tries it, but alas, it doesn’t work. The real key to having a safe, intimate, and caring relationship is to humble yourself, and ask the question “How can I grow and change so I stop hurting you?”

When I have two people on my couch asking this humble question, amazing and beautiful things happen. (Even one person will do, to make some positive changes…if your spouse won’t come, don’t let it stop you from making an appointment for yourself.) It is breath-taking to behold when this kind of humility happens, like watching a lovely flower bloom. Couples become therapy buddies and work together to build a strong and vibrant relationship.
Do your marriage, your family, and yourself a favor. Don’t wait until your relationship is hurting so badly that you can’t find your humility beneath the anger and reactivity. If you’re relationship is suffering from pride, as most are if there is a lot of conflict, come in before it’s too difficult to find the humility to ask the question “How can I grow and change to stop hurting you?” When both partners approach therapy this way, the prognosis for a full recovery is good. When partners are pointing their fingers at each other, saying “He/she needs to change this so we can be happy…”, we’ll have some hard work to do to change each partner’s focus before we get down to the business of healing.

I wish you all the best in finding the courage to be humble. It’s not for wimps. It does, however, breathe life into a hurting relationship. Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

The Secret Garden

Jun 8, 2014 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, cut-off, enmeshment, fear, inner voice, making changes, Uncategorized

It feels so good to be blogging again! I have brewed myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee and I’m curled up with my iPad, a blanket, and a kitty laying by me…ready to indulge in something I have been away from for far too long…writing about my passion!

Today I want to talk about the garden of the heart. ”The secret garden” has been heralded in literature, poetry, and song. I love the mental picture of having a beautiful garden in my heart. One of my favorite quick prayers that I breathe when I am feeling strong emotions is “Dear God, please tend to the garden of my emotions.” There is an inherent calm and rest conjured by the image of a lovely garden, particularly with God as the Master Gardener. It helps me remember the beauty that is possible inside of every person. There is a secret garden inside of you, too.

I think this imagery is also a wonderfully analogous way of viewing all kinds of things going on inside of our feelings/heart. Is your garden well pruned, healthy, and thriving; or is it in need of care and a good weeding? Have you spent time on the landscaping, or does it grow wild with any manner of flower or thistle? Do the plants produce wonderful fruit for you and others, or do you emotionally and spiritually go hungry? Do you visit there often, or try to ignore it? Is it growing and alive, or dying and barren?
Maybe you’ve given away portions of your land in the name of acceptance from others. If you have, you can feel it. It feels like not having room to breathe and relax because you have so much to do for everyone around you. Each person is healthily entitled to their own relational space. Many times people will give up portions of who they are and the space they need to exist so that others will believe they are a good person, for example. This is one of the main characteristics of relational enmeshment. The easiest definition of enmeshment is “I’m OK if you think I’m OK.” Now we’re enmeshed…my feelings of peace on the inside are now dependent on you and what you think of me. I’ve just given away some of my power, or my garden, for your cooperation in treating me like I matter and that I’m good. This is co-dependency.

On the flip side of the coin, there is emotional distancing or cutoff. Those who fear enmeshment back away from would-be “enmeshers”. They take pieces of others’ gardens to give themselves enough space to feel safe. If you have taken others’ land, you can feel it, too. It feels like constantly monitoring and managing the feelings and perceptions of others. It offers the illusion of control against the attempted enmeshment of others. Folks that operate this way take on the real estate of anyone who will give it up, and many-times will withhold love and acceptance to get more. This is counter-dependency.

Neither one of these gardening methods are “worse” than the other. They are both equally unbalanced. One is based on a fear of abandonment (“Take my power, strength, self, whatever…anything but leaving me!”), and the other is based on a fear of shame (“Stay back, because if you get to close to me, you will find out how unlovable I really am.”). If you take each one a step deeper, they mirror each other. If someone leaves me, I must be unlovable; and if I’m unlovable, of course they will leave me. This fear in our hearts is the driving force for all manner of controlling and manipulative behaviors that make us emotionally unsafe for one another. Both sides are controlling and manipulative…equally unbalanced, equally reactive. (For more on this, read another one of my blogs: “Two Sides Of The Same Coin”). This fear is represented in our gardens as weeds. The fear, like a weed in a garden, has to be destroyed in order for peace to flourish.
When this peace does flourish in our hearts, we begin to interact with others differently. We no longer seek the acceptance of others by giving up pieces of our land. We no longer try to get more space than we are relationally entitled to, to feel safe. We stop the constant dance of reactivity to closeness and distance, trading who we are for the acceptance of others. We learn how to hold still while being able to move with others compassionately. We become relationally safe, opening ourselves up to true and deep intimacy. We learn…inner peace. Our garden grows beautiful flowers and fruit, and the weeds shrivel and die.

If you would like to learn how to walk the path to your secret garden, and tend to the plants living there, come on in. Let’s get started! There is no time like the present, and no one else can or will do it for you. When it’s time to get your hands dirty and start pulling some weeds, learn how to give land back to people you’ve taken it from, or re-acquire the land you’ve given away…give me a call, I’ll be happy to help you. Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

The Importance of Self Care

Dec 1, 2013 | addictions, Blog, boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, goals, making changes, self-care, Uncategorized

This is a topic that I’ve written on before, but I think it is a good idea to revisit it from time to time. I know that I, for one, need reminders in this area. Today we are going to discuss self care.
It’s a pretty easy trap to fall into, particularly in today’s culture of Go, Go, GO!!! Many people get sucked into the “Captivity of Activity”, as Beth Moore said in one of her Bible studies. I knew that entering graduate school would mean that I was about to spend a few years being really busy. (That is a bit of an understatement.) It is impossible to balance your life when you are getting a masters with the requirements that mine demands, and I will admit that I don’t always do a good job with self care. I don’t think that I am the only one, though. I think that the expectations of society today pressure us to continually achieve and over-function. ”Activity” can even become an addiction pretty easily.

So today I wanted to discuss some ideas about self care and its importance. Those of us of the more codependent persuasion tend to take care of everyone BUT ourselves. This can lead to unwanted conditions such as burnout and resentment. Those who are more counter-dependent tend to be grandiose about self-care, and either indulge in it too much, letting others over-function for us, or neglect it completely because of our want to be seen as invincible.

Being chronically “stressed out” has an actual physiological effect on your brain structure. For one of my classes, we are reading a book called “Brain rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home and School” by J. Medina (2008). I actually would recommend this book to anyone, because it not only is really informative, it is an easy read. It’s not full of huge words that you’ll have to look up in the dictionary just to follow along (like I do when I’m reading complex research articles…ya.). It explains how our brains work and why, and it’s really interesting. Medina said that “Under chronic stress, adrenaline creates scars in your blood vessels that can cause heart attack or stroke, and cortisol damages the cells of the hippocampus, crippling your ability to learn and remember” (p. 194). So this self care issue is really important.
The first consideration for self care is to not over-extend ourselves. How do we do that? By saying “No”. Repeat after me…”No.” Sometimes that can be a really difficult thing to do, right? Codependents know exactly what I’m talking about. This is about having good boundaries, and a strong knowledge of our limitations. Brene Brown, who is known for her research on shame, authenticity, and vulnerability, shared a really good tip for helping yourself say “no” more easily. She said that what she does is spins a ring on her finger three times before answering a question about whether or not she can do something. ”Can you bring brownies for the bake sale?” Spin, spin, spin…”No”. She gives herself time to think BEFORE she answers, and gives herself permission to say “no” if it will cause her to become burned out, resentful, or otherwise over-extended. We need to have good boundaries and know our limitations. (To be introduced to Brene Brown, click here.)

The second consideration for self care is a self-awareness of what refreshes us. Extroverts, for example, need to be around people to rejuvenate themselves. Introverts need to be alone. Activities that refresh the soul are various and different for different people. Perhaps it’s reading a good book in your favorite chair. Maybe it’s taking a bubble bath in candlelight. Perhaps it’s going to the gym or other exercise. How about a massage or manicure? Google “self care” and get ideas. Try them out. Find what works for you.

I’m off to get in some self care. It’s even more important when you’re really busy, so I will practice what I preach. Happy relaxation!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com