This week I want to post on an idea that I was discussing with Kathy Henry, LCSW in the waiting room.  Well, actually we were eating lunch at my favorite nearby restaurant, but when the name of your blog is The Waiting Room, it just sounds better!  Besides, my choice of this name for my blog was intended to mean things that are discussed about therapy that are outside the confines of the confidentiality of the therapy office, so this qualifies.  Onward…

One of the most common questions asked in the therapy office is “How?”  How do I let go of the shaming I was subjected to throughout my childhood?  How do I work through my childhood sexual abuse wounds?  How do I forgive my cheating spouse?  How do I have good boundaries?  How, how, how.

I have blogged before about ”dropping the pen.”  This is a phrase coined by another mentor of mine who I quote often, Jerry Wise.  To sum it up, it means that folks come in asking the therapist a question like (metaphorically) ”I’m holding this pen, and I want to drop it, can you tell me how?” and the answer is, “you already know or can understand how, it’s a matter of being ready to deal with what happens when you drop it.”  So the question is not how, it’s “when will you be ready?”

Kathy and I were talking about a related subject over a casual business lunch.  (You want to have lunch with a couple of therapists now, don’t you?  Perhaps not, but I assure you, it was pretty interesting.  Kathy rules.)  She brought up a very good point…blog-worthy even.  She talked about helping clients get away from the “hows” by encouraging them to stop intellectualizing their therapy.  Wow, what a great point!  She drove it home by asking me, “Did anyone tell you how to feel your way through your pain when you were working through your recovery?  No, you felt your own way through it, and found the way that worked for you.”

Yep.  She’s absolutely right.  No one told me to go lay on my bed and cry from my toes when I needed to grieve my pain, no one told me to do an in-depth study on grace while I went through my divorce so I could leave without bitterness in my heart, no one told me what to bring to my therapy appointments to work on, and no one told me to do multiple Bible studies to work on learning to love myself and see myself like God does: worthy of love and boundaries; beautiful.  Those were all KEY aspects of my recovery, and no therapist told me how, or what, to do. They only showed me the pain that I had closed-off from, and then told me to sit in it, (how annoying is that!) and work my way through it.  As hard as that struggle was, and it was hard, it was exactly what I needed to do, and hear.  I found my own “how.”

I think many times clients think that the therapist has some magic answer or list of things to do to make it all better, and they are purposefully keeping it from the client.  I don’t think that’s what a therapist’s job is at all.  Tools and to-do lists, I assure you, only prolong the agony…I know first hand what I’m talking about here.  They have their place only after a very large chunk of heart work.

Further, those things that may have worked for me may not work for you.  I think the therapist’s job is to hold up an unclouded, objective mirror, not the one you hold up for yourself, so you can see yourself more clearly.  All of the things behind you that affect you and you don’t even know it…things that you have long-since hidden away, are used to, or deny…are still there.  The point is you finding who you are, not finding who the therapist thinks you are; finding your own way, instead of the therapist’s way.  The therapist is trained to shine the light, look objectively, and then hold up that clear mirror.  They induce vomiting, and then hold your hair back while you puke your pain.  A graphic analogy, I know, but that’s kinda what it feels like.  (See another blog I wrote called ”Dude, Just Puke It“).  Seems harsh, but it is actually a very loving act!

To put it another way, the key thing that I want to drive home here, was how important it was to realize that it wasn’t that I couldn’t find the way to drop my pen…it was realizing why I wouldn’t.  Then it was a matter of fighting the battle of overcoming the obstacles of “won’t”.  Why won’t I drop this pen?  Why won’t I let myself heal from my childhood pain?  What role does hanging on to the pain play inside me that keeps me feeling safe behind my walls, yet utterly miserable and alone?  Woo.  That’s a big one, Goose.

When you find yourself intellectuallizing your therapy and repeatedly asking that “how” question, work instead toward cultivating the connection between your head and your heart.  Even when your head understands all of the insights you receive on the couch, if your heart can’t get the memo, it really doesn’t count for much.  The real work is in that deep, beautiful, wounded, precious heart inside of you.  It’s behind the doors you won’t open because it hurts too much to revisit them.  This work takes courage.  Locate the roadblocks between your intellect and your feelings.  Smart is great, but you will eventually have to face the fear of feeling it.

There’s my schpeel for today.  Thank you so much for your continued support!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

©2012, Nancy Eisenman