A Strong, Non-Reactive Voice

Jun 22, 2014 | Blog, boundaries, codependency, grace, inner voice, making changes, respect, Uncategorized

It is a most beautiful summer day and I am enjoying watching my kids swim in the warm sunshine. What a great day! Today I want to talk about one of the goals of therapy, recovery, and differentiation in general. It is a phrase that I use often to describe that elusive middle ground where peace thrives and relationships are the safest. It is having a “strong, non-reactive voice.” What does that mean, and how does one have a strong, yet non-reactive voice?
Let’s break it down piece by piece. First let’s start with having a voice. Your voice, the one that is uniquely yours, is how the essence of you comes to life. It’s yours to own, and no one can take it from you without your complete cooperation. Manytimes people will give up their voice, or who they are, in exchange for something else. It could be for acceptance, attention, or to decrease anxiety in some other way. This is the case with codependency. Others may use their voice too strongly, and crush others’ freedoms and rights with criticism or demands. This is a trait of counterdependency. Having a voice involves knowing yourself, who you are and who you are not, and knowing where your boundaries are and what you will and won’t tolerate.

Next let’s tackle the “strong” part. Having a strong voice is all about knowing exactly where those boundaries you have are, on all kinds of subjects. Some examples….Where are your physical/sexual boundaries? What about how people talk to you and on what subjects? How about personal space? What about when talking about potentially heated subjects like politics and religion? How do you feel about name-calling? What about when people lie about you or spread rumors? The list continues for every subject you can have an opinion on. Do you know what you think and how you feel? Or do you go along with the crowd or believe someone who tells you what you should do or who you should be? Having a strong voice involves knowing who you are, and having the courage to voice that opinion in the face of others’ possible disapproval.
Lastly, we have the non-reactive piece. Having a non-reactive voice means controlling not only the pitch and decibel level of your actual speech, but also being able to discern what part of the interaction is for you to take responsibility for, and any part that is not your responsibility. This requires a lot of insight into yourself, with patience and practice to hold your tongue and courage to use it when it’s not time to be quiet. My grandmother used to say that the tongue takes 2 years to learn how to use and a lifetime to learn how to control. So true. By knowing our own issues and understanding the issues of others, we can more skillfully choose our words based on our truth and beliefs, and avoid the pitfalls that come when we take the bait of taking things personally. We can also control our tone. How something is said is just as important as what it said.

Think about what it would sound like to have a strong non-reactive voice. It is confident because it knows itself, and it is calm and filled with compassion and acceptance for others because it accepts itself. It sounds neutral in tone, yet quite matter of fact. Mastering the ability to control your tongue is vital for healthy and intimate relationships.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you are having a delightful summer! Enjoy the sunshine!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Healthy Conflict

Dec 1, 2013 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, codependency, counterdependency, fear, forgiveness, grace, making changes, respect, shame, Uncategorized

I know, right? What a yucky topic: conflict. You might be saying, “I don’t like conflict!” Not many people do. It’s just uncomfortable and many folks are straight-up conflict avoidant. Besides, how could conflict be healthy? Isn’t conflict bad, and aren’t we all supposed to want to achieve a state of no conflict? Well, truth is, there really is such a thing as healthy conflict, and that’s the topic for today. Ready to tackle this one? Here we go.

We all know that none of us are perfect. Narcissists especially, (and the rest of us most of the time too), would love to have you believe they are perfect, but it simply isn’t true. It is inevitable, then, that we are all going to get our feelings hurt from time to time, by our imperfect friends, coworkers, significant others, etc. It’s gonna happen. We’re going to hurt them sometimes, too, no matter how hard we try not to. We have a unique opportunity to gather information during this kind of event though, and can use the information to either perpetuate the hurt and further damage our relationship, or actually help our relationship. That’s right, I said that we can use the inevitable hurts in our relationships to make them better and stronger. This is achieved through the process of healthy conflict.

To demonstrate healthy conflict, I am going to take you through the process in a very typical scenario. I’m also going to point out along the way how each person has the opportunity to change hurtful, damaging conflict into healthy conflict. Let’s take a look at our example couple, John and Anna.

In the first step of healthy conflict, one person says “ouch.” This is a necessity in any healthy relationship. If there is going to be true intimacy and safety in a healthy relationship, each member must know that their feelings are important to the other person and will be heard, especially when those differences or imperfections jump up and bite us in the proverbial rear end. So we’ll begin with Anna, who softly and humbly says “ouch” to John: “John, that behavior you did really hurt my feelings.” John now has the opportunity to grow, learn, understand, and change. This is John’s first opportunity to encourage healthy conflict. He can say, “I want to understand your feelings, tell me more, your feelings are valid, I’m sorry, I will not do this behavior again,” and then John does everything in his power to never do it again. If John does receive this humbly, the conflict ends here. Increased safety in the relationship ensues, Anna feels heard and validated, and John grows. This is the healthiest scenario, both people have done their part. Wouldn’t that be nice? This is possible…however, it pretty rarely goes down that way, right?

It is, after all, extremely difficult and against our natural ego-filled, prideful state (especially for the shame-filled and counterdependent among us) to have the humility to say “I’m sorry” or “I screwed up.” That is paramount to admitting our worst fear: that the person we hurt will now think we really are the bad person we always believed down deep we were. So instead of humbly saying “I’m sorry”, we instead say “you need to change how you feel about this” or some other version of “this is your problem, not mine.” It is very minimizing of the other person’s feelings and completely valid world view, and usually comes out extremely defensive. This kind of response usually causes major damage to the relationship, and hurts the other person’s feelings and triggers their pain even further. They now will likely feel unheard, not understood, like the other person doesn’t care about their feelings, and abandoned. John has just missed his first chance to help heal the situation, and instead has potentially made it MUCH worse. Anna likely feels abandoned and withdraws love and acceptance, John fulfills his lying ‘self truth’ that he is “not worthy of being loved.”

So then what happens? Anna at this point has her first opportunity to have an effect on the dance they are doing. Now this is truly difficult because Anna has made herself vulnerable by saying “ouch”, and in response she has gotten an arrogant and minimizing response. Not exactly a safe situation. And now she is supposed to change her natural response? What is her natural response? It is going to be right in line with John’s worst fear of course…thinking he is a piece of crap and not worthy of being loved. Am I right? After all, John just treated Anna extremely poorly and pridefully…he IS a piece of crap, right? Anna feels justified in thinking as much. While it is true that John did just react with his issues and did not handle it well at all, there is another choice to be made here for Anna, too. Not gonna lie, it’s not easy and it’s going to take some extreme self-control and having your own issues settled down quite a bit. The name of this intervention is GRACE AND DIFFERENTIATION.

Not for the feint of heart, Anna will have to stare her fears of being abandoned and unheard square in the face in order to pull it off. And not only for a minute. She is going to have to hold this discomfort likely for some time, like days. What does this “grace and differentiation” intervention look like? I’m glad you asked. It is understanding John when he gets angry, knowing he has issues biting him in the rear and giving him grace because your issues bite you sometimes, too. Not taking it personally when he cuts off, (and if he is reactive like this, he will). Not chasing him down and insisting we talk about this right now, and letting it percolate, if necessary. (Read my blog about “The Myth of Urgency” here) Holding her ground that she is allowed to feel and think differently than he does, while allowing him to think and feel differently than she does. Now here’s the big one, folks….You Don’t Have To Agree. Oh, we get caught up on this, don’t we? The fear is that if the other person doesn’t agree with us, then they might not love us. It is enmeshed, it is relationally unsafe, and it is unrealistic! But we get caught in this power struggle hell all the time until we let go of the notion that the other person has to agree with us.

So Anna can keep herself safe, stay non-reactive, hold her own opinion about the situation, give John space to come back toward her or not (that’s the hard part where she has to risk and really feel her abandonment), and keep…oh, this one is hard…loving and accepting him for where he is. If John continues to act the same way time after time, every time Anna says “ouch”, their relationship will suffer tremendously and it will eventually end. And vice versa. If Anna were to react with the attitude of “get over it” every time John says “ouch”…same thing. Most people really don’t expect their partner to be perfect when it comes down to it, but they do need to see genuine sorrow at, and a turning away from, the behaviors that hurt them. They need their partners to have humility, and grow.

There is a major pitfall to avoid, and it needs to be addressed. Sometimes, people will take on too much and become a doormat. This is equally unbalanced with being too prideful. I am not suggesting this over-correction, or co-dependency. What I am suggesting is an acceptance by both people that they each have a different view, both are valid, and they don’t have to agree. They do, however, have to learn where their partner’s pains are and be sensitive to them, if they want their partner to stay in relationship with them. If we play that out, it looks like this: John says “I understand this behavior hurts you, but I’m going to keep doing it anyway because in my world view, I’m right.” and Anna will go on her way, eventually. She does not agree that the behavior is OK with her, and she doesn’t have to agree. Is the behavior in question a deal breaker for either person? Then they will likely not have a relationship for long. That’s OK, and they can each go on their way agreeing that neither is going to change.

The alternative is that John, in this case, says “I understand that this hurts you, how can we do this differently, with me understanding your pain, and you understanding what I need, too?” Now there is a mutual humility. All of you Anna’s out there, wouldn’t you respond favorably to THAT? Anna agrees. That is a safe relationship. Anna can realize John’s reasons for his behavior and any fears that may drive it so as to not take his behavior personally, and John can work on becoming softer and more careful with Anna’s feelings. John grows in sensitivity, and Anna grows in grace. Now the relationship is doing it’s job: refining them both.

If your partner can’t quite do the humility thing, yet, you can change the dynamic anyway. And if they refuse to find some humility, you can have the strength to eventually locate the door to the relationship as well. If you are the one that can’t do the humility thing yet, I pray that you can soon. All of your relationships will suffer and ultimately likely end if you cannot find some. Humility is the life blood of good relationships. If you want to be able to pull off the grace and differentiation intervention, you are going to need help getting your own issues under control. I can help you with that. Email me at neisenmanftca@gmail.com Let’s get started.

Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Confident Humility

Mar 17, 2013 | Blog, boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, grace, inner voice, respect, self-care, shame, Uncategorized

Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? How can confidence and humility live together in the same phrase? That is exactly what I want to discuss today. Make yourself a cup of your favorite beverage and let’s tackle this unusual, seemingly oppositional idea.

I want to start by breaking this down into two halves. Let’s start with “Confident”. What does it mean to have confidence? I think we can begin by describing the difference between confidence and arrogance. There is a huge difference, although many folks use these terms interchangeably. To me, confidence doesn’t have anything at all to do with being arrogant. Arrogance is ego. Arrogance is the attitude that “I’m all that and a bag of chips, and my you-know-what doesn’t stink.” Confidence is believing in yourself and your abilities, but more importantly, in your worthiness to be loved. Arrogance and ego cannot exist in the presence of humility. Confidence can. Arrogance is about pride, and humility is the opposite of pride. Confidence is a belief that I can be the recipient of grace. I can attain the radical acceptance of my worthiness of being loved not because of what I’ve done, but because I am.

What if we explain “worthiness of being loved” like this: think about a baby who has just been born. Are they perfectly lovable? Yes. Why? They haven’t done anything good or bad. They just are. They are lovable because they are…they haven’t earned love or worthiness. Yet we love them so very much. The fact that we are worthy of love does not change with our age or falterings. We are still completely lovable because we are. We can have confidence in this fact. I have come to find, and I know this feeling personally, that people who have grown up with shame have a deep belief that they are not good enough. When did we start to believe this lie? Usually when we’re kids and we, quite arrogantly, take absolutely everything personally. Then we take that belief into adulthood. But is that really true…are we really not good enough to be loved? We are not perfect, that is true. I would like to suggest that we can be both imperfect and perfectly lovable simultaneously. This is the heart of Confident Humility.

Having the confidence that we are worthy of being loved will sometimes feel like arrogance, but it is not if your heart is in the right place. It is believing a truth about ourselves as a human being. If you have spent your life as a “shame-ite” as I lovingly refer to them, (and myself, too!), you have spent your life having forgotten the truth that you are lovable simply because you are. THAT is actually arrogant. Shame is arrogant. It insinuates a self-importance that is prideful. Confidence that you are lovable, not because of anything you have done, is receiving grace. You cannot earn grace, then it is no longer grace by definition. Now, here comes the biggie…when you have the confidence that you are lovable because you are, and you have it all by yourself, you do not need it from anyone else. You don’t have to trade to get it from anyone. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you are good enough. You don’t have to earn acceptance from anyone. When you can do this, you become relationally safe. Non-manipulative. No trades. No codependency. No over-neediness. You can let others be and do exactly what they choose without trying to change or manipulate them into giving you acceptance. You give it to yourself by believing the truth of your lovability.

Now let’s move onto the “Humility” piece. Now that I know that I am completely lovable because I just am, as a human being, how do I not only protect from having that grow into ego, pride, and arrogance, but also simultaneously acknowledge the fact that I am not perfect? Humility. Here’s what it looks like when you put it all together: ”I know that I am lovable for no other reason than I am, but I acknowledge that I am SO not perfect, and I WILL hurt the people I love. It is inevitable. I cannot be perfect. When I hurt you, I want you to tell me, because you will be helping me grow in the places where I am weakest, you are teaching me to be careful with your feelings, you are connecting with me by telling me what it is like to be you, and I want all of those things. I never want to hurt you, so when I do, tell me so I can learn, grow, and change.” This takes a tremendous amount of courage, because we have to admit our shadow side and our shortcomings to hear someone say “ouch” to us.

Humility must be balanced as well, same as confidence. I do not want to become a feather at the mercy of the wind, or a boat at the mercy of pounding waves. I am not going to blindly accept every criticism of me that I hear as the gospel truth, either. I am going to run it through my own truth about myself, and see if I can find truth in your point of view. If I can look at myself humbly and see that you have a good point, I am going to integrate your feedback. If you tell me something that is just not a part of how I see myself, I can still acknowledge your opinion as valid, even if I don’t agree. You can still have a different opinion of me, and we may have to agree to disagree about things sometimes, but I can always connect with you and accept your truth for what it is…your truth. I can be sensitive to that, and understand you without having to believe and change everything about me to be who you think I should be. This is where it is so very important to “temet nosce” or “know thyself.”

So, to wrap this up, there is a balance to be had here. Confidence that I am completely lovable for no reason other than I am a human being. Humility to know that I am not perfect and never will be, and I will hurt the ones I am closest to from time to time. When I do, I can apologize and grow, instead of becoming wounded that they do not see me as good enough. I already know I am. My confidence gives me the strength to be humble. Isn’t that something? It also makes me safe for others to be exactly who they are and not who I need them to be to feel OK. Working on this in yourself will send ripples of change through every relationship you have, and draw others toward you.

That’s what I have for you today. I wish you the confidence to know that you are loved, and the humility to realize you can be hurtful, and they both occur at the same time. A difficult concept to grasp, let alone integrate. Wow, is it worth the effort, though. You and your relationships will never be the same because of it.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

What Is It Like To Be You?

Jul 9, 2011 | Blog, counterdependency, cut-off, forgiveness, grace, respect, Uncategorized

I recently finished my second theory class as part of my Masters degree schooling. One of the theories studied was termed “symbolic interactionism”. The online Webster’s Dictionary describes it like this: “a theory that human interaction and communication is facilitated by words, gestures, and other symbols that have acquired conventionalized meanings.” In other words, we learn what words and ideas mean based on our environment and upbringing. An important thing to realize, then, is that I may have a different definition for a word or idea, etc., than you have, since our experiences have been different. It is important to be aware of that when working with clients or interacting with others, so that when we communicate, we are on the same page.

This is not a difficult concept to grasp. Misunderstandings occur with everyone, pretty much all the time. I was talking with a male client a few weeks ago about this very thing. We were discussing the subject of “flirting.” My definition of flirting is simply a social interaction that makes both people feel good, showing someone that I like them, or that I am enjoying their company and/or being friendly toward them, etc. Webster’s online describes it as ”acting amorously without serious intentions.” For my client, flirting is actively trying to pursue someone romantically or sexually. When I suggested that the lady he was interacting with probably thought of his kindness as “flirting”, he insisted that he was not, that he was only being kind. I did not question his motivation, we simply had a different definition of the word “flirt.”

We cleared up the misunderstanding quickly. I realized that his feeling that his intentions were misunderstood made him feel judged, which was totally NOT what I was going for! I remembered the dialogue process, and concentrated on learning about his “truths.” It reminded me that it is necessary to be careful in how I communicate and remember that others may hear the same word but have a different definition. I continually ask the question in my head…”what is it like to be you?” THAT is connection. In Imago theory, Harville Hendrix states that “the most important thing is how you experience me experiencing you.” I need to make sure that I am showing you that, even if we disagree, that you are important, worthwhile, smart, valid….. Then we will have connection, even if it’s in conflict.

One of my mentors at Family Tree Counseling, Jerry Wise, says it like this…”You can say almost anything at all to anyone, and they will hear it, if you are moving toward them when you say it.” Moving toward someone looks like this connection, learning what it’s like to be them, seeing them in a positive way, being curious about their world truths. If you hear the other person and want to know what it’s like to be them, they will be inclined to return the favor!

Something to keep in mind the next time you think your communication with someone is not going very well. Stop trying to tell them what you think, and listen to what they think. If they feel like you’ve heard them, they may just be curious about what you think too, and reciprocate. Then you will be heard too! That’s connection and true dialogical communication.

Thank you so much for stopping by. You’ve shown that you want to know what I think by stopping by and reading my blog. I am more than happy to reciprocate. Feel free to tell me what you think, too! Leave me a comment and tell me what your truth is. You are also welcome to email me at nancy@healingheartsofindy.com . Hope you’re having a great summer!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

“Bad It!”

May 5, 2011 | Blog, counterdependency, grace, respect, Uncategorized

I’m thoroughly enjoying a much needed vacation this week! I do enjoy blogging very much, but haven’t had as much time as I’d like to do it lately, with the end of the spring semester and all. I ended up passing both of my classes with flying colors, though, another semester closer to done!

I want to keep it little bit light-hearted today, in honor of my time off, so I want to tell you a funny story. You know I’ve been talking lately about objectification, about “I-it” and “I-thou”. I-it relationships are where we value others based on what they can do for us…they are objects in our lives whose sole purpose is to benefit us. I-thou relationships value the other person’s feelings, world views, experiences, and love them for who they are, not what they can give us.

I was explaining this very concept lately to someone, and it turned into quite a good chuckle. I was pointing out how she many times values people for what they can give her, and she said “No, I really don’t, Nancy…well, except for my ex-husband, my ex-boyfriend, and my dad…and….” I said “OK, so you only objectify those who are closest to you then?” We laughed. Then she said, “But they are ‘BAD ITS’!!!!” I nearly lost it. That’s probably going to end up on the list of 10 funniest thing I’ve ever heard!

We did certainly have a good laugh over it. In fact, here on my vacation with my mom and sisters, whenever we see ourselves or someone else objectifying someone, we’ve been saying “Baaad It!” It’s been the running joke the whole trip! It’s really helpful, however, to realize how much we do objectify others, develop a keen awareness to it, and to instead choose to love them for who they are, not what they can give us. If you find yourself being critical, judgemental, harsh, victimy, or otherwise +/- (I’m OK, but you’re a piece of crap) with someone…remember to stop yourself from saying “Bad It”, and instead love them for who they are and how important they are in your life. It makes all the difference not only in them, but inside you, too!

Back to my vacation!!!! See you back here again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

I’m The One! (or How to Stop Fighting)

Mar 28, 2011 | Blog, codependency, counterdependency, cut-off, divorce, respect, Uncategorized

A couple of months ago, I went to a therapist training seminar for Imago Relationship Therapy. This is the theory proposed by Harville Hendrix in his books “Getting the Love You Want”, “Keeping the Love You Find,” “Receiving Love,” and “Giving the Love They Need”. They are good reads…I totally recommend them. I had the pleasure of hearing lectures from Dr. Hendrix himself for one of the days of the seminar. He said something that resonated with me, and I thought I’d share.

Dr. Hendrix was discussing how in the womb we are connected, to our mothers and the universe. Then that connection is severed. We are born without any psychological walls into an imperfect world. We then learn, from our first experiences in this world, to disconnect with others….that everyone is here to serve us! We cry and we’re changed, cuddled, fed, burped, or whatever. Our every need is met by someone else, and for the most part, pretty promptly! We learn to see others as objects to meet our needs. We learn to be self-centered. We learn that it’s our world, and everyone else just lives in it…to serve us! We learn to objectify people instead of connect with them.

Through adolescence, we start to take care of ourselves some, but as little as we can get away with, usually. Eventually, we may learn to take pretty good care of our physical needs. Some of us even become very other-centered in our actions; but, are we really selfless? Even being other-centered many times has selfish motives underneath: we want to be loved, accepted, looked-up to, good enough for God, etc. Many people stay quite openly self-centered throughout their lives, too. We see others as objects, there to meet our needs.

This happens in particular in our marriages. We find someone who matches the (usually worst) characteristics of our primary caregivers growing up, someone who will be specifically ill-equipped to meet our deepest needs, and then we try to squeeze blood from the proverbial turnip. Deep down, we really haven’t given up the idea that the other person’s mission in life should be to meet our needs. That’s why we get married, right? “Now we’re together, so start coughing-up the need-meeting!” We also believe that after 20-30-40-50 some years on this planet, that we have the absolute truth, and best way to live, figured out. How I see the world is the right way to see it!

Dr. Hendrix described this attitude like this, he said married couples see each other as if “You and I are one, and I’m the one!” Isn’t it the truth! After all, I know who my lover is down deep, how he/she should act, how they should meet my needs, how they feel about me, and the best way for us to live together….”WHY CAN’T HE/SHE JUST SEE THAT I’M RIGHT?!!” Come on, you’ve said that one, at least in your head, admit it. “If he would just do this for me…” “If she would just…then I would be happy, and our lives would be great.” Right? Now let me ask you this…what would happen if you were to say…”If I would just…”? Think about that one for a minute. (You are the only one you can control anyway.)

Have you ever answered a question about how your spouse thinks or feels and been dead wrong? That’s because we project what we believe onto our spouses, sure that we are right, and they look at us like we have no idea who they are. We all do it, until we learn otherwise. Being able to realize that there are TWO people in the relationship, each with different world views, and developing a healthy curiosity about our spouse’s world/reality is the first step out of fighting hell. Fighting is really about going to war over which one of your world-views is going to win out as “the way we do things in our family.” I’m the one, so we do things how I want, and we meet MY needs! Get with the program, lover! We are all still two-years-old when we act like this. If you are not collaborative with your spouse, and instead attempt to annihilate their world-view to conform to yours, you will succeed in living in fighting hell until you kill your marriage/relationship.

Being able to accept that the other person has a different world view than you do is essential, as is defending it as valid. (Yes, defend THEIR world view as valid! Try that one on for size.) You probably don’t know them as well as you think. Find out. Be curious about them. Avoid negativity like the plague. Invite them to share how they REALLY think with you. Be open. Be vulnerable. It’s not easy. Digging in our defenses will not create changes in our relationships. It will pour cement over things the way they are. It’s a paradox. Acceptance and curiosity will invite collaboration, safety, love, connection, AND changes. Sounds good, doesn’t it? It is. Give it a try.

I could go on and on about this (I already have)…but I’ll stop here for today. Try being curious next time you’re about to fight with your lover. See what their world view is all about. After they pick their jaw up’n off the ground, you will have a MUCH more productive chat! They may even be curious about your point of view. Wouldn’t that be something! Who’s going to be the one to drop their defenses and be vulnerable first? Can you say, “I’m the one?”

Thanks for stopping by. Have a great week!