I have been hearing a lot lately about not being serious 24/7. This is something I can struggle with in my life, especially right now, during this pandemic. I am so grateful for my kiddos who help me to remember to have fun. Playing and not being serious helps me remember to have fun in my life. It’s a reminder that life isn’t just work at the office, work from home, clean the house, help the kids, spend time with your spouse, etc. I love taking some moments and coloring with my kiddos, riding my bike (that I’ve had since I was 12—yeah, I am still a shorty!) with them, or playing cars on the living room floor, or chasing the kids around in the yard playing Tag. It is a way for me to be able to play too.
However, during this time, being something other than serious can be difficult, ya know, because there aren’t as many places to go and do fun things. We can’t necessarily hang out whenever, wherever, we want to right now. We can also get stuck in work mode because we are working from home, or we are helping kids with figuring out what to do about the upcoming school year, or we are trying to keep our home clean because the house is being lived in 24/7…..there are lots and lots of reasons to not play right now. This is something I have seen even among my colleagues where being in quarantine is exhausting because we can become stuck in work mode. There is a difference for most of us right now trying to find some of that balance in whatever way we can.
It is important for us to attempt to find some balance between the two; work and play. I keep thinking about the proverb, “all work and no play” (Howell, 1659). Which also makes me think about a podcast I heard recently by Rick Warren (2020) where he talked about how more breaks, not longer, breaks help us during the day. We here in the US want to take an hour-long break for lunch, and that’s it, but our creativity and productivity actually increase if we do several 5 to 10 minute breaks throughout the day rather than one long break. This makes sense for us right now, if we are struggling to play because we are working from home and we aren’t taking those coffee breaks with colleagues, or chatting about other things when we stop into someone’s office to ask a question, and our house is in the background with dishes calling our name. We aren’t having downtime when we drive home too to release work tension. This can lead us to feeling those bored/unproductive/lazy/dull/”I just don’t wanna” feelings
What would it be like for us to find some time to play, even if it is at home with our kids, our spouses, ourselves? Find some time to do those things that you love. The things that fill you up and give you the energy to get back to it when it is time to be productive, whether that’s at home, from home, or after work. I love unwinding by walking around our neighborhood, coloring, praying, meditating, playing video games, or playing bored games with my family to name a few things. What are some ways you enjoy not being so serious 24/7?
Wow. Just wow. COVID-19. Just saying it, speaking it, seeing it written, it strikes fear in many of us, anxiety in some, terror in others, grief in still others, or even a combination of more than one emotion in many of us. Sometimes there are no words to make things better, sometimes there isn’t anything I can say, or think to say that will make life seem like it’s a little bit easier, a little bit brighter. We are all having to come to terms with COVID-19 and what is going on around the globe right now. We are in a perpetual state of living in the unknown. This is something many of us humans go about attempting to avoid. We try to control, or predict, the world around us to the best of our abilities. Now, this doesn’t make it so, but it does give us the illusion that we have control at least in our little corner of the world.
Today I want to share some ways to help us lessen the trauma we are all going through during this COVID-19 pandemic. I was watching a video the other day by Bessel van der Kolk (2020), a leading trauma expert in our world right now, where he shared several tips about how to lessen the trauma we are experiencing with COVID-19 and I’d like to pass along some of that information to you.
First things first, COVID-19 makes it apparent that we hardly control anything, other than ourselves; and even that is sometimes. Okay, now, that that piece is out of the way; what can we control?
We can control if we keep moving by exercising, going for a walk, using an at-home workout app, some places even have virtual workout classes so we can get some socializing in too!
We can control if we meditate or pray. There are many apps for meditation or prayer. I like the Calm app for meditation (there are a couple of free meditations), but there are other apps out there too. Find what works for you!
We can control if we attempt to have a routine, but a routine with balance! Routine is great for kids too. Place a routine somewhere that everyone can see it. I did this for my kiddos who can’t read yet and added pictures with the words, so they can look at it and know what to expect. Obviously this COVID-19 has turned our worlds upside down, so having a sense of routine can help us have a little bit of predictability, while knowing it doesn’t have to go perfectly because nothing in this world is perfect. Even our day at work, if planned, doesn’t go completely as planned every day. Sometimes things will pop up during our workday, like an emergency meeting, or someone popping into your office to chat, and the same thing happens when we work from home, just in different ways. It’s okay if we end up distracted for 15 minutes by doing dishes, or taking a 15 minute walk, we do those things naturally at work, and just because we are at home now (for most of us) doesn’t mean we can’t take breaks.
We can control if we have time to play together as a family, while also remembering to take time for ourselves. Both are equally important even when we aren’t in a pandemic. We can play family board games, cards, play outside in our yards, etc. If you aren’t with loved ones, or are quarantined, you can still meet virtually. What a great time to have electronics at our disposal! There are even ways we can play games together or watch TV together.
We can control if we notice our own feelings and allow those feelings to move through us. We cannot control our loved ones and their feelings, as much as we may want to right now! Often this noticing happens when we are having time to ourselves.
We can control reminding ourselves that this is a season in our lives. We will eventually be back together in person again. We just don’t know when yet. Knowing that this season has an end is helpful because it tells our brain that there is an end and something else to look forward to. It’s like when we anticipate spring weather by the time March rolls around for us here in Indiana.
We can control if we reach out when we are struggling. Please reach out to someone sooner rather than later. If you are struggling, call a therapist, if needed, many are offering secure virtual sessions or phone sessions as we go through this season. And if you are in an unsafe situation, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or text the Crisis Text Line at 741741 (all the above resources are available 24/7).
Finally, try to offer yourself some grace and compassion as we all grapple with the pandemic of COVID-19. It is important to know that if you are unable to do these things above, that’s okay too. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. In times like these, no one really knows what is best and we are all doing the best we can to survive moment to moment.
How would you like to attend therapy, and potentially not even have to talk during therapy? You don’t have to worry about someone judging you for what you’ve said, or done, or are wanting to do; you can just go and work through all of it without uttering a word? This can be how some experience a new type of therapy called Brainspotting. Now, I’m not saying I wouldn’t do an assessment when someone first comes in, but once that part is done, we can get into some of the Brainspotting experiences and you may not have to say anything!
I attended two trainings this year where I learned about this therapy and I’ll be honest, I thought was kind of weird, but the more I learned and experienced with Brainspotting; the more it made sense. Okay, Brainspotting is an odd word, so let’s start with trying to explain what it is in a nutshell. The premise behind Brainspotting is “where you look affects how you feel,” (Grand, 2013). Have you ever noticed yourself staring off into space, or seen others do the same and it seems like they are somewhere else? That can potentially be one type of Brainspot, called a Gazespot. What we are doing is using the Brainspot to affect how we feel! Essentially, Brainspotting harnesses the power of the part of our brain (what I call the Lizard Brain ) that can process much faster than the part of our brain we use in normal talk therapy, which is the Prefrontal Cortex (our cognitive thoughts we are aware of), through our eyes. It also allows us to utilize both the left and right sides of our brain.
There are two other types of Brainspots we can use. One of them is called an “activation spot,” where we become more activated about a certain event, thought, image, etc. It is the spot where we look, and we feel more intensely. I usually call it the “oh crap” part of the emotional wave. The 3rd type of Brainspot is called a “resource spot.” This type of spot is where we look when we want to feel calm and grounded. I usually liken this to how I feel when I’m on a beach somewhere watching the sunset. We all somewhat already do this naturally, by gazing at a certain spot. For example, If you sit at your desk at work, you may have certain places you look when someone interrupts you that you glance at for a few milliseconds, and then you turn around to talk with them and are somewhat calmer from having looked at that spot.
Another component to this type of
therapy is connecting us back with our bodies. For example, we sometimes don’t
like how we feel in our bodies because, really, who wants to feel like crap? What
we end up doing sometimes is try not to feel what’s going on in our bodies as a
defense mechanism, which can be a good thing, until it’s not. One of the things
I often ask clients is where they notice the feeling in their body to reconnect
themselves with themselves as we go through the process. (Yes, I realize how
new-age-y this sounds, but I wouldn’t be writing about it if it didn’t work).
If you will humor me for just a
moment you can see what I mean. If you want, think of something that is
activating for you; whether that’s an argument you’ve had with a loved one,
someone cut you off in traffic on the way to work this morning, or something frustrating
that happened at work. Okay, have it? Now, close your eyes and when you open
them, don’t think about it, just let your eyes go where they want to go and
hold them there. When you do, just notice; do you feel more activated, more
annoyed, frustrated, or “oh crap”? Or do you feel calmer and more grounded?
This is just a quick example of how natural and powerful Brainspotting is. Yes,
there is way more to it, and I certainly don’t pretend to know everything that
goes into it because I am still learning, but it’s a start.
I am not saying that we will do Brainspotting once, feel fantastic and be done, but it is more like accessing the supercomputer already inside of us, and we ride out the waves of whatever we notice. Yes, we can use Brainspotting for trauma therapy, but we can really use it for just anything that triggers us, or activates, us emotionally, AND we potentially don’t even have to talk! One of my favorite aspects of Brainspotting, besides not having to talk, is the idea that the client is doing all the work and allowing me to witness a beautiful process take place where the clients heal themselves.
Before I begin my blog post, I want you to know I am okay, I have fantastic support, and I have been ready for this moment, and I am at peace so do not feel sorry for me because I truly am okay. Now, some of you may know, I recently lost my mom to cancer this year. Yes, this year; 6 days in. It was a crazy but calm, up and down, and long but short, ride. I bring this topic up because I want you to know; I know grief, and let’s be real: it sucks.
Now what I want to talk about is what does grief look like? It looks like someone quietly holding their loved one’s hand fighting back tears, it looks like someone bawling loudly regardless of where they are, it looks like someone snapping at a loved one, or snapping at anyone who asks a question. It looks like a group of people huddled around sharing about the good times the bad times and all the times in between. It looks like someone wanting a quiet moment only for themselves. It looks like a group of people in the same room not saying a word. It looks like tears, it looks like hugs, it looks like pushing people away, it looks like relief that this journey is over. Maybe it even looks like..joy? A smile pasted on so the world doesn’t see the hurt underneath. It looks like prayer, meditation, confusion, shock and awe all at once. Basically, all of this to say that whatever you feel in your moment of grief however long or brief it may be; it is normal. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each individual person will grieve in his or her own way. So, please understand that just because someone isn’t grieving like you, doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving. It simply means each of you are grieving in the way that is unique to you. There will be shock, there will be numbness, there will be things that need to get done that you don’t really want to do. So, take moments for you to grieve, what ever that means for you.
One way to help through grief is knowing and doing some self-care, but sometimes that can go out the window because let’s be real, life can be messy and dealing with loss of a loved one and other family members can be rough when everyone’s emotions are spiraling. One way to help is to c create space where you can allow yourself to have your feelings around grief because having them and not judging them (regardless of what they are, even if they seem weird and off the wall) is going to help tremendously. And it might seem counter-intuitive to some, but sometimes sharing what you are thinking, or feeling (depending on what it is) can be something everyone is thinking or feeling at some point in time. This helps because it lets us know we are not alone in grief and that others understand. And you don’t have to go through grief alone, find a friend, find a support group, find a counselor you can trust, who won’t judge you for feeling angry that your loved one left you, or angry at yourself because you missed an opportunity to be with your loved one.
Find someone to talk with, someone who can simply sit with you in silence (it’s a lot harder than people think, but sometimes that is what we need the most in our moments of grief-space together). What do I mean by space together, sitting with someone in silence, allowing them to share, if and when, they want to without offering advice, or platitudes that even we don’t really believe. Simply sit and listen, you would be amazed at what you can learn about others and ourselves. There are so many other ways of self-care, so even if what I have talked about isn’t what works for you, that’s okay. Do what works for you. One book I might suggest is Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Lossby Chuck DeKlyen and Pat Schwiebert if you want more resources (and yes it looks like a children’s book, but it is not).
This is a topic that I’ve written on before, but I think it is a good idea to revisit it from time to time. I know that I, for one, need reminders in this area. Today we are going to discuss self care.
It’s a pretty easy trap to fall into, particularly in today’s culture of Go, Go, GO!!! Many people get sucked into the “Captivity of Activity”, as Beth Moore said in one of her Bible studies. I knew that entering graduate school would mean that I was about to spend a few years being really busy. (That is a bit of an understatement.) It is impossible to balance your life when you are getting a masters with the requirements that mine demands, and I will admit that I don’t always do a good job with self care. I don’t think that I am the only one, though. I think that the expectations of society today pressure us to continually achieve and over-function. ”Activity” can even become an addiction pretty easily.
So today I wanted to discuss some ideas about self care and its importance. Those of us of the more codependent persuasion tend to take care of everyone BUT ourselves. This can lead to unwanted conditions such as burnout and resentment. Those who are more counter-dependent tend to be grandiose about self-care, and either indulge in it too much, letting others over-function for us, or neglect it completely because of our want to be seen as invincible.
Being chronically “stressed out” has an actual physiological effect on your brain structure. For one of my classes, we are reading a book called “Brain rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home and School” by J. Medina (2008). I actually would recommend this book to anyone, because it not only is really informative, it is an easy read. It’s not full of huge words that you’ll have to look up in the dictionary just to follow along (like I do when I’m reading complex research articles…ya.). It explains how our brains work and why, and it’s really interesting. Medina said that “Under chronic stress, adrenaline creates scars in your blood vessels that can cause heart attack or stroke, and cortisol damages the cells of the hippocampus, crippling your ability to learn and remember” (p. 194). So this self care issue is really important.
The first consideration for self care is to not over-extend ourselves. How do we do that? By saying “No”. Repeat after me…”No.” Sometimes that can be a really difficult thing to do, right? Codependents know exactly what I’m talking about. This is about having good boundaries, and a strong knowledge of our limitations. Brene Brown, who is known for her research on shame, authenticity, and vulnerability, shared a really good tip for helping yourself say “no” more easily. She said that what she does is spins a ring on her finger three times before answering a question about whether or not she can do something. ”Can you bring brownies for the bake sale?” Spin, spin, spin…”No”. She gives herself time to think BEFORE she answers, and gives herself permission to say “no” if it will cause her to become burned out, resentful, or otherwise over-extended. We need to have good boundaries and know our limitations. (To be introduced to Brene Brown, click here.)
The second consideration for self care is a self-awareness of what refreshes us. Extroverts, for example, need to be around people to rejuvenate themselves. Introverts need to be alone. Activities that refresh the soul are various and different for different people. Perhaps it’s reading a good book in your favorite chair. Maybe it’s taking a bubble bath in candlelight. Perhaps it’s going to the gym or other exercise. How about a massage or manicure? Google “self care” and get ideas. Try them out. Find what works for you.
I’m off to get in some self care. It’s even more important when you’re really busy, so I will practice what I preach. Happy relaxation!
Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.
Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.
Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032
Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? How can confidence and humility live together in the same phrase? That is exactly what I want to discuss today. Make yourself a cup of your favorite beverage and let’s tackle this unusual, seemingly oppositional idea.
I want to start by breaking this down into two halves. Let’s start with “Confident”. What does it mean to have confidence? I think we can begin by describing the difference between confidence and arrogance. There is a huge difference, although many folks use these terms interchangeably. To me, confidence doesn’t have anything at all to do with being arrogant. Arrogance is ego. Arrogance is the attitude that “I’m all that and a bag of chips, and my you-know-what doesn’t stink.” Confidence is believing in yourself and your abilities, but more importantly, in your worthiness to be loved. Arrogance and ego cannot exist in the presence of humility. Confidence can. Arrogance is about pride, and humility is the opposite of pride. Confidence is a belief that I can be the recipient of grace. I can attain the radical acceptance of my worthiness of being loved not because of what I’ve done, but because I am.
What if we explain “worthiness of being loved” like this: think about a baby who has just been born. Are they perfectly lovable? Yes. Why? They haven’t done anything good or bad. They just are. They are lovable because they are…they haven’t earned love or worthiness. Yet we love them so very much. The fact that we are worthy of love does not change with our age or falterings. We are still completely lovable because we are. We can have confidence in this fact. I have come to find, and I know this feeling personally, that people who have grown up with shame have a deep belief that they are not good enough. When did we start to believe this lie? Usually when we’re kids and we, quite arrogantly, take absolutely everything personally. Then we take that belief into adulthood. But is that really true…are we really not good enough to be loved? We are not perfect, that is true. I would like to suggest that we can be both imperfect and perfectly lovable simultaneously. This is the heart of Confident Humility.
Having the confidence that we are worthy of being loved will sometimes feel like arrogance, but it is not if your heart is in the right place. It is believing a truth about ourselves as a human being. If you have spent your life as a “shame-ite” as I lovingly refer to them, (and myself, too!), you have spent your life having forgotten the truth that you are lovable simply because you are. THAT is actually arrogant. Shame is arrogant. It insinuates a self-importance that is prideful. Confidence that you are lovable, not because of anything you have done, is receiving grace. You cannot earn grace, then it is no longer grace by definition. Now, here comes the biggie…when you have the confidence that you are lovable because you are, and you have it all by yourself, you do not need it from anyone else. You don’t have to trade to get it from anyone. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you are good enough. You don’t have to earn acceptance from anyone. When you can do this, you become relationally safe. Non-manipulative. No trades. No codependency. No over-neediness. You can let others be and do exactly what they choose without trying to change or manipulate them into giving you acceptance. You give it to yourself by believing the truth of your lovability.
Now let’s move onto the “Humility” piece. Now that I know that I am completely lovable because I just am, as a human being, how do I not only protect from having that grow into ego, pride, and arrogance, but also simultaneously acknowledge the fact that I am not perfect? Humility. Here’s what it looks like when you put it all together: ”I know that I am lovable for no other reason than I am, but I acknowledge that I am SO not perfect, and I WILL hurt the people I love. It is inevitable. I cannot be perfect. When I hurt you, I want you to tell me, because you will be helping me grow in the places where I am weakest, you are teaching me to be careful with your feelings, you are connecting with me by telling me what it is like to be you, and I want all of those things. I never want to hurt you, so when I do, tell me so I can learn, grow, and change.” This takes a tremendous amount of courage, because we have to admit our shadow side and our shortcomings to hear someone say “ouch” to us.
Humility must be balanced as well, same as confidence. I do not want to become a feather at the mercy of the wind, or a boat at the mercy of pounding waves. I am not going to blindly accept every criticism of me that I hear as the gospel truth, either. I am going to run it through my own truth about myself, and see if I can find truth in your point of view. If I can look at myself humbly and see that you have a good point, I am going to integrate your feedback. If you tell me something that is just not a part of how I see myself, I can still acknowledge your opinion as valid, even if I don’t agree. You can still have a different opinion of me, and we may have to agree to disagree about things sometimes, but I can always connect with you and accept your truth for what it is…your truth. I can be sensitive to that, and understand you without having to believe and change everything about me to be who you think I should be. This is where it is so very important to “temet nosce” or “know thyself.”
So, to wrap this up, there is a balance to be had here. Confidence that I am completely lovable for no reason other than I am a human being. Humility to know that I am not perfect and never will be, and I will hurt the ones I am closest to from time to time. When I do, I can apologize and grow, instead of becoming wounded that they do not see me as good enough. I already know I am. My confidence gives me the strength to be humble. Isn’t that something? It also makes me safe for others to be exactly who they are and not who I need them to be to feel OK. Working on this in yourself will send ripples of change through every relationship you have, and draw others toward you.
That’s what I have for you today. I wish you the confidence to know that you are loved, and the humility to realize you can be hurtful, and they both occur at the same time. A difficult concept to grasp, let alone integrate. Wow, is it worth the effort, though. You and your relationships will never be the same because of it.
Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.
Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.
Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032
