The One You Feed

Aug 13, 2011 | Blog, fear, grace, inner voice, self-care, shame, Uncategorized

A friend of mine posted this on our friends newsgroup, and I thought it fit quite well into what I posted on last week. Check it out:

An old Cherokee told his grandson, “My son, there’s a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. He is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, & ego.The other is Good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth.” The boy thought about it & asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee quietly replied, “The one you feed.”

There is a ton of truth in this. Keeping our focus on the negative emotions and our dark side only serves to feed those emotions. Focusing on kindness, empathy, and love in the same way feeds those emotions. Which wolf is winning inside of you?

Let’s go one step deeper. Why would anyone want to feed the evil wolf inside of them? I’ve come to learn that some folks feed their negative emotions not because they like it so much, but because the negative emotions and pain are their “normal”. It is actually uncomfortable for them to feel joy, because that does not align with their self-truth…that they are not good enough. They also have a crippling fear that if they do try to feel good, peaceful, loved…they will ultimately crash and find out that their fear was right all along, that they aren’t lovable, and that is more painful by far than simply not trying. This lie paralyses all who choose to believe it.

If this describes you, deep seated shame holds you captive with fear. Facing it is very difficult. Do you have the courage to believe you’re good enough? It’s not easy. Is joy worth the risk? You bet it is. What you’ll find out, if you choose to try, is that believing you’re not worthy is the lie you’ve been living in, and you can defeat that lie and begin to feel good enough with only one person believing it is so…you. Others really don’t have to agree.

The connection you will feel if you allow the joy and love in holds the key to the lack of anxiety and the peace you yearn for. Recovery is not for the feint of heart. It’s easier if you have someone with you, encouraging you, holding your hair back while you puke, and guiding you along the path they’ve already walked. No change comes without pain.

A gifted therapist can make facing the fear bearable, and help you not slip back into your shame place, by helping you to see yourself objectively. Learn to starve the dark wolf inside of you. Not by ignoring it’s presence, but by being conscientious about not feeding it. Feed the good wolf and reap a harvest of peace and joy. It’s worth it, and it will eventually become your new normal. The change will feel uncomfortable for a good while, but eventually you will grow to where it will feel uncomfortable to be angry, sad, and depressed.

That’s what I have for you today. Happy wolf hunting!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

To Forgive or Not to Forgive

Nov 18, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, boundaries, codependency, cut-off, faith-based living, forgiveness, grace, grief, inner voice, self-care

I need to have a little chat with myself today, so I thought I’d invite you in to join me. It’s a little less strange….right? OK, maybe not, but humor me…maybe you’ve had this same struggle.

So most of us out here, regardless of faith or spiritual beliefs, know that forgiveness is a totally necessary part of having a peaceful life. Am I right? Am I assuming too much? Holding a grudge hurts the one who’s holding it way more than the one it’s being held against, I think many would agree.

So what happens when it is SO difficult to forgive someone? There is not a question as to whether or not they hurt you, it’s a done deal. Now what? Whether they are sorry or not, whether they intend to do it again or not….completely independent of the other person and what they are doing or not doing…can you forgive them, inside of you?

I want to give you a bit of a different perspective on this situation, to see if it can help you put your focus on the only person you can change, control, or have any real say-so over in this situation….you. It’s kind of a bummer to always have to focus on your own issues, isn’t it? I hear that! This is the time, though, when it’s totally appropriate to be “selfish.” See, I know the secret: changing yourself and what you do will actually change the people around you too, (sometimes you have to give it time.) When people have hurt us, that’s exactly what we want, right?…to change them. The paradox is that you can’t change them, but the only chance you have to influence them to change is to change yourself and how you handle the situation. (When it comes down to it, the ultimate goal is to be OK in your own skin, and not try to change anyone. Just live your life in a way that is balanced and peaceful.)

So what about this new perspective I have for you? I’d like to propose this question: You’re having difficulty forgiving, but what if your lack of forgiveness isn’t really about a fear that it will “give them permission to hurt you again” as most people think forgiveness does? (not true, btw.) OR, about not wanting to convey the message to them that what they did was “forgivable?” What if it is nothing more than a defense mechanism to avoid something else? What are you avoiding? Do you feel like forgiving the other person is like telling them that what they did wasn’t so bad after all or that they can do it again because you’ll just forgive them again? This is also a paradox. NOT forgiving them will ensure it will happen again, and not finding your own healthy boundaries with them is really the problem. Grace is the only real chance there is for changing the heart of the other person. Your hatred or unforgiveness will keep their walls intact.

But my point today is, what if it’s something else? Do you use unforgiveness as an excuse to avoid finding a better way to have boundaries with the other person? Forgiveness doesn’t include an invitation to do the same thing again. Forgiveness says “I know you hurt me, and I forgive you. If you intend to treat me this way, we can no longer have a relationship, but if you can treat me with respect, we’re OK.” That is a healthy boundary. We are not called to abandon our own feelings or open ourselves up to abuse. That is a lack of self-control. But there is a difference between that, and not forgiving.

Do you use unforgiveness as an excuse for not insisting upon yourself that you maintain good boundaries and respectful relationships? Do you hide behind unforgiveness so you don’t have to have difficult conversations? Are you trapped by the fear that forgiveness gives others permission to hurt you more? These are all illusions. It’s up to you to control your boundaries in a respectful, loving way. Not forgiving is focusing on the other person too much, being enmeshed with them, and it keeps you tied to them in an unhealthy way, even if you’re miles apart. It is also a form of judging them, and looking down on them. Instead, look in the mirror and the unforgiveness will melt away like warm butter.

More than anything, in the deepest recesses, I think being unwilling to forgive allows us to hold on to our pain. You may wonder why anyone would want to hold on to their pain, but most people do to some extent. Pain serves a purpose, too. It can be a protective wall. It can be an attempt to control another person. It can be a way to avoid dealing with it inside ourselves. It can even be an excuse. Or, have you ever heard of the idea that the opposite of love is not hate, but undifference? I think many who refuse to forgive fear indifference, or having NO connection to that person at all. Letting it go means finding new ways to cope, letting go of control, finding a new relationship with that person or not having a relationship with them at all (maybe even more painful), and leaves us feeling vulnerable and exposed. It happens anytime we allow our walls down. Finding a new, more balanced way to cope is difficult, but isn’t purging the pain of it worth the journey?

One last thing. A Litmus test. This is how you know you’ve got it; you know you have really forgiven. Can you think of the person who hurt you without disliking them or calling them a derogatory name in your head? What about if that person came to you and wanted to apologize, would you accept it lovingly? (Remember, that doesn’t mean you have to let them back into your life. Take that slow, and only if you want to, trust takes time, and only YOU know if you’re willing to give them another chance.)

There’s my two cents for today. I hope I listened to myself….I needed to hear it. Thanks for sitting in on the chat!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Making Sure The Next One is Mr./Mrs. Right Pt. 1

Aug 5, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, codependency, divorce, family systems theory, grace, self-care

This is going to be a two- or three-part blog, because I am feeling verbose on this subject! I’ve been inspired! One post just isn’t going to cut it.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a fan of Family Systems Theory. Thankfully for me, I work with a group of pretty salty family systems therapists! They are all kind enough to mentor me, and keep me on course with the development of my craft. One of the therapists on staff has dedicated years of study to deepening his understanding and practice of this particular paradigm; I’ve spoken of him before, Jerry Wise. He has a blog too, and we were discussing a post of his about abandonment and a question he was asked about it, in the waiting room the other day. Something he said is totally turning my mind to gooey gray matter this week, as he’s been known to do before!

Remember how we were discussing the map, and seeing the whole map of our issues all at once, and how sometimes thinking counter-intuitively can help pinpoint the problem, which may be far away from what is causing the symptoms in our relationships? (See post “Family Systems, A Tiny Morsel”) That is family systems stuff through and through. Today’s topic is no different. Jerry and I were talking about abandonment, like I said, and specifically the symptom of loneliness. Fair enough, I thought. If you’re abandoned, you’re probably lonely, right? And loneliness itself isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom of a deeper issue. OK, I’m trackin…so far so good.

Then he said that if you have the symptom of loneliness, the core issue you really have, the root problem causing it on the other side of your issue map, is really an “allergy to intimacy.” Hold the phone there, Bub. If someone’s lonely, isn’t what they really want some good intimacy? How could someone who’s lonely really be allergic to intimacy? You lost me with that one. Stick with me though, I’m going to try to explain what he said as simply as possible…how I understand it. Let’s talk about it in example form, for ease in understanding’s sake. Let’s call our lonely, abandoned girl Kim.

Kim has had some relationships that have ended painfully, and more than anything she doesn’t want to have another failed pairing; but she also knows that she feels lonely for a romantic relationship. Understandable, right? It’s normal and natural to want a close personal relationship, emotionally, physically, etc. And I would interject here that simply wanting a relationship is not a problem in itself. But our girl Kim really wants a relationship because she’s experiencing the symptom of loneliness, and she needs to soothe her feeling of loneliness with another person.

Would you think that what Kim really has going on is an allergy to intimacy? Probably not. I sure as heck didn’t see that one coming, and I gave Jerry a really confused look when he said it. Huh? Here’s how he explained it to me. If Kim has the symptom of loneliness, and she is longing for another (hopefully healthy, balanced this time) person to fill the loneliness, somewhere on her map of issues she is underfunctioning in, or has an allergy to, intimacy. Is your face twisted and contorted like mine was yet? Eyes squinting? Little head scratching, perhaps? Stay with me…

Kim, out of her own issues, is still looking to someone else to fill her up. In this way she is overly-needy. In some way she is unable to find fulfillment in herself, and/or she may have an intimacy or under-closeness/over-closeness problem with her parents or siblings. If you’re tracking that train of thought, the next question that naturally comes is, “How does someone have an allergy to intimacy inside themselves? Does an intimacy problem in my family of origin, (people that I hardly ever see anymore even perhaps,) still affect me? (YES!) And what does an allergy to intimacy look like, and how does one fix it?” I admit, it’s kind of a tough sell to someone who says they crave intimacy, and especially if they may be over-functional in their level of ability to have intimacy with other people. The point is, if there is loneliness for intimacy, somewhere on the map we’ll find an intimacy allergy…a place where Kim is under-functional, intimately. Let’s take a swing at answering those questions:

Let me ask you this way, and see if it helps shed some light on it…where do you think Kim is abandoning herself? A closer look at someone like Kim will probably show that she is too other-centered. Maybe she doesn’t have good self care. Perhaps she has a hard time forgiving herself for imperfections or mistakes, and she shames herself and feels she isn’t good enough. Maybe she makes caring for everyone else more important than making sure she’s taken care of, too. When her hurting little girl on the inside cries out in pain, she in effect ”shushes” her. In any or all of these ways, she abandons herself. She’s not in-tune to her own needs, and ignores them.

So how does Kim fix this imbalance? Like 12-steppers would say…the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? True that! She needs to recognize she has an allergy somewhere. She needs to see her own unbalance, instead of concerning herself with over-scrutinizing potential mates! She needs to learn to have better boundaries. She needs to learn to give herself grace, listen to herself and take care of her own needs, and address her shame issues. These are all things that work to resolve and heal your childhood pain and make your psychological walls more permeable. Kim also needs to see where her expectations fo
r relationships are unhealthy. This is all stuff that happens in therapy!

Now then…how does all of this play into who she will choose as a future (hopefully) Mr. Right? Will she be attracted to another Mr. Wrong no matter what? Is there real hope to be had for a future, healthy relationship? Tune in next time for the answers to these most intriguing questions!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Self-Care Is Imperative

Jul 19, 2010 | addictions, Blog, codependency, self-care

I thought today I would give you a quick update on what’s going on with me, but I promise to make a good therapeutic point, too, since you went to the trouble to stop by!

I am taking my first grad school class. It’s called Immersion. (Seems an accurate description because there are moments when I feel like I’m drowning! Not because it is difficult, but because I have a very busy life outside of school!) It meets every Saturday from 8:45a.m. to 4:15p.m. Yep. That’s a long time to sit and learn every week, although it moves pretty quickly. It lasts 6 weeks and I’m already half done. There are major assignments due every week, so juggling my time has become a bit of a challenge. Being a single mom and working almost full time too, time is a commodity I have to use wisely.

I wanted to use myself as a bit of an example for how busy we can make ourselves and our lives. I’m allowing my life to be a lot crazy for a few years, more than I normally would, for a more lofty ultimate goal. Someday I will be able to make choices about my work schedule that those in more traditional 9-5 jobs cannot make. I like that a lot! A master’s degree is also absolutely mandatory for the kind of work I’d like to do, so I really don’t have much choice about schooling. But I do need to vigilantly remind myself to take time for self-care, so that I don’t burn out or otherwise die! I thought I’d share my favorites with you.

I love to play poker any chance I get. You like that one? It stimulates my mind without the pressures of work or school or home issues. I still have to think, but it’s about something completely different! It’s restful.
I love to get my hair cut. It is one of my most favorite self-care tasks. Sometimes I wish my hair would grow faster! I also get regular massages.
I take between 15 and 30 minutes every morning, right after I wake up, for quiet time. I use the time to pray or do Bible study usually.
I take time to connect with friends every week, usually over a meal, although it doesn’t have to be. I absolutely cherish this time to relax, and maintain or deepen relationships with those I care for.
I make sure I take time each day to talk with both of my kids, usually one on one. I read them bedtime stories and sing to them before they go to sleep.

Those are the most basic self-care things I do. If I get those in at a bare minimum, I’m good. To be completely forth-coming, I’m really not getting a lot of sleep about now, but I just keep going one day at a time, and do my best. I regularly look at my life now, out of necessity, and determine what activities I can cut out so I can maintain my self-care. These few things I will not give up. I know if I don’t make them a priority, everything I do end up accomplishing will be that much harder, and probably that much sloppier, and I will eventually become so overwhelmed that I’ll burn out.

I was thinking about this very thing while watching a video in school this week. One of the interviewees for this video was talking about how if he didn’t learn how to balance and say no to certain things in his work that eventually he would not only lose his job, but he would also lose funding for the programs he was running and then where would everyone be who depended on those programs? It is the same with individuals. If you give out more than you replenish with self-care, what good will you be then? It’s seemingly a paradox, or counter-intuitive thinking….taking time for yourself is, after all, not using that time to care of others, right? But it really is. Think of it this way: “I have to take care of myself so I have the strength to help others.”

Think about your life and what really recharges your batteries the most. If you can’t think of anything that you do regularly for you, sit down right now and make a list of things! Then pull out your calendar and write them in. If someone asks you to do something that interferes with those things, you need to say no!

I’ll also throw this out there as food for thought: If your life is too cluttered with tasks, ask yourself not only what can go, but why you have allowed it to become that way. Are you keeping yourself over-busy so you don’t have to think about life’s problems as much? Do you have an “activity addiction”? An addiction is simply letting something get out of control, using it as an anesthetic to numb pain, to the degree that it causes harm to another area in your life. Perhaps it is some codependency and you need some better boundaries. Look at it objectively and see what you think.

That’s it for today. Go get yourself some self-care and we’ll see you again next time. I’ll do the same. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

When We Know Better

May 11, 2010 | Blog, forgiveness, grace, self-care

OK, I know I’ve talked about this before, but it’s something that I struggle with, so I’m going to blog about it somemore, and preach some more to myself. I need to talk myself into some things, so you can come along for the ride, and hopefully learn and heal from my struggles.

I’ve had this thing that happened a long time ago…something that has bothered me for quite some time, a passing thought, a warning in my spirit, or whatever you’d like to call it. It has kinda haunted me off and on since it happened, almost 10 years ago. Recently, as I continue to delve deeper into my own recovery, I keep bumping into it, knocking my shins on it, and frankly I’m getting sick of the bruises. It’s just something that I’m going to have to forgive myself for, and finally drop it and let myself have some grace.

We do that, don’t we? We let ourselves keep getting reminded of past failures or past mistakes that we think we just should have known better than to do. Truth is, none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes, and we all are wounded and sometimes act foolishly based on reactions to those wounds. I absolutely love the quote by Maya Angelou, I think I’ve even quoted it on my blog before, that says “we do what we know to do, and when we know better, we do better.” I find such truth in that. I made mistakes in my past, and now all I can do is squeeze every drop of wisdom I can from them, and do better the next time. But I have to admit, I have a hard time sometimes with the underlying forgiveness that this quote inspires…the implied grace of it that says that we screwed up because we didn’t know any better. We couldn’t help it.

It’s no secret that I’m hard on myself. I have a good strong conscience, and I’m glad I do. But I must learn to give myself the grace that I have no trouble whatsoever in giving to others by the bucket-full. Are you like me? Maybe you can understand what I’m talking about in your head, but your heart hasn’t gotten the memo yet. Let the grace in. Embrace the hurt little kid inside you, and tell them it’s going to be OK. Tell them they are forgiven. Tell them you love them. Maybe it sounds like “therapy mumbo-jumbo”, but it’s quite healing. Give it a try, and have a cry from your toes. I’ll join you…and go practice what I preach.

Thanks for reading. See you again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Smell The Roses

Apr 5, 2010 | Blog, self-care

I’m back! Woo!

If you were missing me, I just got back from a week-long vacation. It was totally relaxing, as all vacations should be. We did go to a theme park for a couple of days, but the rest of the time was spent doing a whole lot of nothing much, except one very important thing…resting. Ahhhh.

I have been thinking a lot about rest and it’s necessity for us all. Most of us these days have way too much on our plates, are instantly and constantly available via email, phone, and text, and rarely get enough time to really rest and relax. Those things are so vital, however, to our emotional health. We need to take time for self-care, not only to refresh our spirits, but to reconnect with ourselves and others, and to really enjoy our lives and sharing it with those we care about.

When was the last time you took time to refresh and relax? Do you really practice good self-care? I don’t know about you, but I sometimes forget how important those things are in my daily activities. Take time to smell the roses, ya’ll. You will never get today, this week, this month, this year, or this lifetime back again.

Thanks for stopping by again, and we’ll chat again soon!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com