What’s So Amazing About Grace?

May 5, 2012 | anxiety, Blog, boundaries, codependency, cut-off, divorce, enmeshment, faith-based living, forgiveness, grace, shame, Uncategorized

What’s So Amazing About Grace? is actually the name of a book authored by Philip Yancey. Back when I was going through my divorce a few years ago, it was extremely important to me to be able to leave it without any leftover resentment or anger. I didn’t want any residual bitterness or unforgiveness to continue hurting my heart. To that end, I did an intensive study on grace and forgiveness, including reading Yancey’s book, among several others. I think that grace and forgiveness are important concepts to understand when working on presenting concerns in therapy practices such as anger management, codependency, and anxiety. One of the things I liked best in Yancey’s book was this list of qualities of forgiveness. He states that forgiveness:

Halts the cycle of blame and pain.
Loosens the stronghold of guilt in the perpetrator.
Allows the possibility of transformation in the guilty party.
Is not the same as pardon…you may forgive the one that wronged you and still insist on a just punishment for that wrong. If you can bring yourself to the point of forgiveness, though, you will release its healing power both in you and in the person who wronged you.
Has it’s own extraordinary power which reaches beyond law and beyond justice.
Places the forgiver on the same side as the party who did the wrong. p. 103

The simplest way I can think of to define grace is ”forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it.” Forgiving someone who deserves it is easy; they are sorry, repentent, their heart has turned, and you can sincerely believe them when they say that they will not do it again. Forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it is extremely difficult. They are not asking for forgiveness, they may not care that they hurt you or may be straight-up oblivious, or they may be justifying their hurtful actions. You may even know quite well that, given the chance, they would make the same decision to hurt you again.

The difficulty in forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it comes with the message we think we’re sending to the other person if we forgive them. We think we’re saying “it’s OK what you did” and even further, “go ahead and do it again.” Um, NO! What they did was absolutely NOT OK, and it is absolutely NOT OK for them to do it again! Continuing in this mindset that forgiveness equals saying it’s OK will keep anyone from forgiving. The truth is: Grace is a paradox. It requires that I get on the side of my enemy, not by defending their actions, but by defending their humanity. The attitude we have sometimes is “Forgive and the atrocities will repeat themselves.” But the opposite is true. Don’t forgive, and they will repeat themselves.

Other things that may keep us from forgiving is the notion that we are giving up our right to “get even.” If we forgive, we don’t get to pass judgment or inflict retribution. This is a black and white over-reaction where we see the other person as “all bad.” That’s cut-off (a.k.a. negative enmeshment). We may think that if we seek just consequences for someone who has hurt us that we haven’t truly forgiven.

As Yancey says though, this is a myth. Forgiveness does not equal pardon. We can still have rock solid boundaries with someone who has hurt us. That may even include a “geographical boundary” as Cloud and Townsend would say in their book Boundaries, because that person who hurt you is unsafe. We can say “what you have done is not OK, I will have a different relationship with you from now on with good boundaries, but I can forgive you in my heart so that I do not keep the negative connection with you alive in me.” Can I respond to this event by not accepting the painful behavior, perhaps even requiring just consequences; but also by not denying the humanity of the other person?

In any relationship…in a couple, between friends, with co-workers, in families…anywhere, hurts are inevitable. We are imperfect folks, and we will hurt others and they will hurt us. What we do with those hurts is what counts. When you hurt someone, can you humble yourself and apologize, or do you need to justify what you did? Deep shame feelings may cause people to be unable to admit they’ve hurt someone. Do you care for others’ feelings, or trample them to your own end? When someone hurts you, can you forgive them? Do you need to have a good boundary with them…meaning, can you protect and insulate yourself from them without attacking their worth has a human being? If you can’t bring yourself to forgive, ask yourself what the payoff is. What do I think I have to give up in order to forgive?

Check out Phillip Yancey’s book, What’s So Amazing About Grace?. It really helped me let go of resentment and bitterness years ago, and is still doing so today. The world has recently given me several huge opportunities to forgive people who’ve hurt me badly and not asked for forgiveness. I will be having strong boundaries with them, but I’ve also chosen to see them through the eyes of grace, because I want to be forgiven when I screw up too…and oh, honey…I do, holy cow. I try very hard to give what I want to receive, and treat others the way I want to be treated. The peace in my heart that comes from letting the negative connection go (lack of anger and anxiety) and developing good boundaries (no more codependency) is always worth the effort.

Thanks for stopping by. I’ll close up with a quote from What’s So Amazing About Grace…

“The world thirsts for grace. When grace descends, the world falls silent before it.” ~Philip Yancey

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Two Sides Of The Same Coin

Apr 2, 2012 | abandonment, Blog, boundaries, cut-off, enmeshment, shame, Uncategorized

I had a client ask me one time, “Where does peace come from?” You see, I have a mug in my office that has a saying on it about peace, and I think it captures the feeling that most everyone that comes to therapy is looking for…it reads: “Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”

We’re not so naïve as to think that there won’t be trouble or hard work in our lives. We know there will be. We don’t expect to always feel amazing and filled with joy, for our marriages to always be perfect, or to never have problems. Yet when these things happen to us, why do we let our peace be stolen?

If we believe a myth that our peace comes from our circumstances, we are precariously perched for pain and disappointment indeed. We are susceptible to all kinds of misery and joy, that is the nature of the human condition, but we will not be truly peaceful while we are doing either one if we believe that our peace is dependent on what is happening to us. Even when good things are happening in our lives, if we believe our contentment comes from what is going on externally, it will still elude us because we will still be trying to control how long the good stuff lasts, the same as we try to control how long the bad stuff lasts. We try to manage others and our environment instead of ourselves.

When my client asked me where peace comes from, my answer had several facets. I believe peace comes from letting go of the myth that I have more control than I actually do. I think peace comes from relinquishing the expectation that others can make me feel… feel bad or good or angry or sad or jealous or anxious. They can hold up the mirror to attachments or beliefs that I have that aren’t serving me very well, but the truth is that no one can make me feel anything without my cooperation.

I believe that peace cannot live inside me if I am overly focused on things I cannot change or things that may or may not happen. I believe that the acquisition of peace is a by-product of letting go of unhealthy attachments and beliefs. It comes after walking the valley of the shadow of death through my own deepest darkest places to the beautiful light at the other end of the tunnel. As Robert Frost would say, it is the road less traveled, and it truly does make all the difference.

I think of peace as the hallmark, the prize that one receives in their feelings when they are emotionally fit. Like being physically fit, working through emotional issues requires showing up, working out, practice, study, dedication, repetition, focus, motivation, and stamina. By the way, it also takes a truck-load of courage.

This process isn’t for the feint at heart. Many people go to a great deal of time, effort, and expense to AVOID working through this stuff. (That’s what addictions are, for example.) My question to you is, how bad do you want it? Real peace…is it worth the work, the time, the effort, all of it? I’ve taken many people on the walk to peace…well, sometimes it’s more like an army crawl through the mud, but we make it. I continue to walk it out myself every day and will continue to grow in this way for the rest of my life. That’s why I named my practice Peace Counseling Group. Would you like to join me and the others who have gone before you? It’s up to you, the quality of your relationships and how you feel for the rest of your life depends on you.

I hope you will join me, and those who work with me, on this amazing journey. Whomever shows up hungry will leave full of new ways to think about relationships and life. I want the best for all of our clients, life-long changes, not just bandaids. My colleagues and I are ready to go when you are.

Sincerely,

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW

Owner, Peace Counseling Group

If you have any further questions regarding our paradigm or our policies, please feel free to contact us via the contact page or call 317-605-7015. You may also check the FAQ page on this website.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

The One You Feed

Aug 13, 2011 | Blog, fear, grace, inner voice, self-care, shame, Uncategorized

A friend of mine posted this on our friends newsgroup, and I thought it fit quite well into what I posted on last week. Check it out:

An old Cherokee told his grandson, “My son, there’s a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. He is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, & ego.The other is Good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, & truth.” The boy thought about it & asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee quietly replied, “The one you feed.”

There is a ton of truth in this. Keeping our focus on the negative emotions and our dark side only serves to feed those emotions. Focusing on kindness, empathy, and love in the same way feeds those emotions. Which wolf is winning inside of you?

Let’s go one step deeper. Why would anyone want to feed the evil wolf inside of them? I’ve come to learn that some folks feed their negative emotions not because they like it so much, but because the negative emotions and pain are their “normal”. It is actually uncomfortable for them to feel joy, because that does not align with their self-truth…that they are not good enough. They also have a crippling fear that if they do try to feel good, peaceful, loved…they will ultimately crash and find out that their fear was right all along, that they aren’t lovable, and that is more painful by far than simply not trying. This lie paralyses all who choose to believe it.

If this describes you, deep seated shame holds you captive with fear. Facing it is very difficult. Do you have the courage to believe you’re good enough? It’s not easy. Is joy worth the risk? You bet it is. What you’ll find out, if you choose to try, is that believing you’re not worthy is the lie you’ve been living in, and you can defeat that lie and begin to feel good enough with only one person believing it is so…you. Others really don’t have to agree.

The connection you will feel if you allow the joy and love in holds the key to the lack of anxiety and the peace you yearn for. Recovery is not for the feint of heart. It’s easier if you have someone with you, encouraging you, holding your hair back while you puke, and guiding you along the path they’ve already walked. No change comes without pain.

A gifted therapist can make facing the fear bearable, and help you not slip back into your shame place, by helping you to see yourself objectively. Learn to starve the dark wolf inside of you. Not by ignoring it’s presence, but by being conscientious about not feeding it. Feed the good wolf and reap a harvest of peace and joy. It’s worth it, and it will eventually become your new normal. The change will feel uncomfortable for a good while, but eventually you will grow to where it will feel uncomfortable to be angry, sad, and depressed.

That’s what I have for you today. Happy wolf hunting!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Black, White, or Gray?

Jul 27, 2011 | abandonment, addictions, Blog, fear, forgiveness, grace, inner voice, shame, Uncategorized

I was visiting after our staff meeting today with one of my collegues, Jenn Lance, and she said something that stuck with me. She said, “I can see other people in shades of gray, but most times I only see myself in black or white.” Hmm. I had to agree that oftentimes I do the exact same thing. I’m either good enough or not, acceptable or not, smart or stupid…etc. You get the drift. I know I’m not the only one…

For me, what this is really about is having a hard time giving myself some grace. I give it to others by the bucket-full, yet abandon myself and the vulnerable little girl that lives inside of me. I can see others’ flaws and accept them for how and where they are on their journey, but I’m not so easy on myself sometimes.

The other day, a client was sitting in our waiting room reading a copy of Esther Perel’s book entitled “Mating In Captivity.” This is a book I read during my own season of couch-work. I listened to it in audiobook form, and it was basically like 8 hours of sex therapy. I began visiting with the client about it, and she asked what I got out of the book. I told her that what really surprised me about this book in particular was how much I learned about myself that had little or nothing to do with sex.

In particular, one part of the book that spoke to me talked about the dimmed, darkened, hazy mirror by which we view our dark side behind us. Sometimes we ignore it completely. It’s not directly in our field of view, but it’s there, affecting us all the same. It’s been a few years since I’ve read the book so I don’t remember exactly how Esther put it, but her point was that many of us deny the existence of our dark side, and in-so-doing, become a slave to it, or live at it’s mercy whenever it rears it’s ugly head.

The black and white thinking I’m talking about is a sort of denial of our dark side. The Bible calls it our “old Adam”, or our sinful nature. We all have our faults, fears, and wounds. Ignoring the existence of this side of you yields not only black and white thinking, and “no grace for Nancy,” but also allows you to be blindsided by it, do something you feel ashamed of or guilty for, and then beat yourself up.

I’m not suggesting that we give in to our dark side, (there is such a thing as right and wrong in my opinion, even though the location of the line is highly debated from person to person), but rather have the courage to look at it, understand it, and work on it as opposed to ignoring it’s existence. The pain and fear that lurks there is the birthplace of things like reactivity, fear, and addiction. Those dark feelings grow and fester in secrecy and anonymity.

Shining the light on this place can be very scary and may seem overwhelming. Taken in small amounts, and when you’re ready, looking at it can lead to healing and giving yourself the grace that we all need to give ourselves sometimes. It also happens to be the first step of the cure for shame. A gifted therapist can help you take a peek if it all seems like too much to face alone or is too hard to see.

There’s my schpeel for today. Thanks for stopping by!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Marriage Killer

Mar 15, 2011 | abandonment, affairs, Blog, boundaries, codependency, divorce, family systems theory, forgiveness, infidelity, shame

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about victims. There really are true victims in this world, of course…people who have been negatively affected by the actions of others through no fault or no choosing of their own. People who died in the 9/11 attacks for example. No fault or choosing, they just went to work that day and their lives and the lives of their loved ones were changed forever. I think a lot of times, however, people can feel as though they have been victimized, not realizing that they really did have a choice. That’s the idea I want to challenge today.

Take couples where an affair has taken place, for example. Many times the spouse who was cheated on feels as though they have been victimized by their lyin’, cheatin’, backstabbin’, no-good louse of a spouse. This victimy mentality, that they had no fault or choice in this situation, is first of all, not the truth, and second of all…it’s nothing short of a marriage killer! This mentality will ensure that there is no reconciliation. Not only that, it will keep the would-be “victim” trapped in a painful, nightmarish personal hell, and will make them unable to forgive later, keeping them forever tied to the pain of the event.

This poisonous mentality doesn’t exist only with affairs, though. It can also be present in less obvious ways with more obscure painful events, but is still just as damaging and deadly to marriages. Some examples: perhaps a codependent wife feels victimized by her overbearing, self-centered, oblivious husband who verbally or physically abuses her. Maybe a voiceless husband feels smothered by his over-bearing wife. Folks that have shame issues feel like everyone else is to blame for what’s wrong in their life because admitting otherwise would be too painful to bear.

I would respond to this by first saying that if you are saying the words, “If HE would just…” or “If SHE would just…”, then you have at least some victimy feeling going on. You are being in one way or another….controlling. Sorry to be so blunt, but that’s the truth. You are objectifying the other person and trying to make them into what you think they should be/think/feel/do. This will keep you entrenched in a power struggle that is both counter-productive and extremely painful.

I would also be first in line to say that it is not OK for your spouse to be abusive, self-centered, oblivious, over-bearing, controlling, etc. It is painful and you have to have the self-control of good boundaries with people that are unsafe. That does not mean, however, that you have been victimized by them! To those of you who are married…no one held a gun to your head to force you to put someone who is so ill-equipped to meet your needs in charge of meeting them! You’re going to have to own the fact that you picked ‘em, and you continue to pick them. No one forced you to stay in this relationship until you are so filled with rage and resentment that you can hardly see straight and so filled with the pain underneath that you cry yourself to sleep every night. In fact…you chose this person sub-consciously to hurt you just like they have.

Blaming someone else for what has gone wrong in your life is all about walls and protection. If something actually is my “fault,” then I have to own it, change it, and worst of all….feel it. If I own my half of the problem, then I am admitting that “I did something wrong.” Particularly those partners with shame issues will have a very difficult time doing this. Their shame tells them that if they are found guilty of doing something wrong, they will no longer be accepted and loved. That what they were told growing up was true….that they weren’t good enough. That is very painful, (to the point where it literally feels like DEATH to your subconscious), to face. Their walls built to protect themselves will keep that from happening…instead they will come out, sometimes inside their own head and sometimes guns blazing, to blame anyone in their path for anything that happens that makes them feel that way. It could be any little thing that they perceive will signal someone to judge them. It’s not rational, the rational part of their brain is not the one running the show when they are doing it! It doesn’t make it any less real for them, or painful for you, though.

So you married someone who is going to hurt you the most. In fact, YOU YOURSELF WILL ENSURE they will hurt you by putting up walls and hurting them so they will hurt you back. That’s what love is to you. Sucks, doesn’t it! But think about how motivated to change you would be if you weren’t in pain….not very, right? How many people come to therapy because it’s so much fun? Zero. God, nature, the universe, whatever you want to call it…wants you to be healed and whole from the wounds you received as a kid. (This is not about blaming your parents for screwing you up, it’s about being real about what happened. Blaming is about shame, walls, and pain like I said.) We all marry people who will hurt us the way we were hurt as kids so that we will be in enough pain to work on it, heal it, and learn new skills where we are the weakest.

You have not been victimized. You chose the life you’ve led. You have 50% ownership of the relational problems, and you are just as unhealthy and unbalanced as your hurting spouse. Yes…you read that right….they are hurting too….under their angry exterior. See them for the wounded kid they are on the inside. Own your half, no more, and no less. Have good boundaries with those who are hurting you, ABSOLUTELY, but don’t believe for one second that it’s all the other person’s fault. It will kill any chances your marriage had, and will keep you inprisoned in your own pain.

Work on YOUR stuff, sweet ones. If you don’t, I guarantee you will either marry someone just like them and repeat the pattern again, or live out your days with a deep pain or unforgiveness that won’t go away.

Thanks for stopping by. I’ll write again soon.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Do The 5 Love Languages Illuminate Our Issues?

Aug 25, 2010 | abandonment, Blog, inner voice, shame

I’ve been thinking about this blog all week. The topic is something that kinda jumped up unexpectedly into my thoughts, and now I’m thinking that I may use it as a research project when the time comes, for my graduate studies.

Awhile ago, I read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It is a great read if you find you are not getting your needs met, as it helps you identify, and then be better able to communicate to your partner, the most natural way you receive love. What’s interesting, I think, is that it seems to me that there is a direct correlation between what your love language is and where your most painful wounds are.

For example, I was talking to a gal last week who has a pretty decent case of abandonment, just like me, and we both agreed that “Words of Affirmation” is NOT our primary love language. We agreed, too, that when our loved ones told us something nice/loving that we didn’t, at a base level, believe them. We need to be shown by actions. The reason, I think, is that we were abandoned, so we learned that love has nothing to do with words and everything to do with actions. Our caregivers told us they loved us and then didn’t give us the attention we needed. The words didn’t match the feelings. It’s almost as if they were saying “I love you” and their actions said otherwise, so we learned that words are meaningless lies. It was not even true or what they were trying to do at all, but nobody said how kids interpret actions and words matches they way they were really meant.

For those who grew up not feeling like they were worth their caregiver’s time (abandonment), time is exactly what they value most because it’s what they wanted the most and didn’t get. We also marry folks who are not good at giving quality time, someone who doesn’t meet our deepest need. We love someone who loves us with the same deficiencies as we had growing up, because that’s what love is to us. It’s how nature heals itself, by repeating the same painful patterns so we can learn to deal with them.

I was also visiting with a couple of ladies who deal with shame issues. They both agreed that words of affirmation IS their love language! So for those whose deepest wound is shame (and hence whose self-talk tells them that they are bad), the way they most need to be loved is for someone to tell them they are great. They want someone to tell them what they wanted to hear most all throughout their childhood and didn’t…that they are really not bad. Yet those with this issue marry folks that have a very hard time meeting their need for affirmative words. See? They love someone who is weak the same place their own self-talk is weak.

It would follow, then, that the other 3 love languages have the same pattern. If the logic holds, then those whose primary love language is physical touch would have wounds surrounding not being held or touched enough when they were little, and they probably married someone who doesn’t touch them enough. Those whose love language is acts of service would have a past that included them having to do for themselves a lot. If someone didn’t receive special gifts very often as a child, their love language might be receiving gifts.

Many people would say that they have more than one love language, although one is usually the strongest. I would suggest that most people have more than one issue as well, and that one is usually more painful than the rest. It is interesting to think that the love language that we identify with the most could help uncover our areas of deepest wounding. As of yet, for me, this hypothesis remains untested. If I do ever decide to research this subject, you all will be the first to know!

Feel free to leave me comments that can confirm or deny this hypothesis. You could be aiding in a research project! I think next semester I have a research class. Looks like I have a headstart on my topic! Thanks for stopping by.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com