The longer I live, the more I realize that peace comes to me when I let go, not when I hold on.  The thing to let go of that causes the resulting feeling of peace the most?  Control.  Ya, we human beings hate that don’t we?  Nevertheless, that’s our topic today, so let’s dive in.

Control is, by and large, an illusion.  What can you actually control?  Your environment?  Partially.  You can choose whether you live in a cold or hot climate, perhaps what part of the world, but no matter where you live, there are dangers to consider.  Tornadoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, blizzards, earthquakes…we always live somewhere potentially unsafe.

How about other people?  We can try to control and manipulate others, in fact there are books out there with titles such as “How to Influence Others”, and “Get Anyone To Do Anything.”  Ultimately, we can only influence others with their collusion, and when they figure out what is happening, they don’t like it very much and it is destructive to relationships.  So controlling others doesn’t work very well in the long term.

How about our bodies?  We don’t have complete control of our behaviors or emotions, but partially.  Physically, we can control if we pick up or put something down, but we cannot control if we have a stroke and lose control of our arm.  We can eat healthy or drive safely, but we still can’t control whether we get in an accident or develop cancer.

Yuck, right?  Starting to make sense why we don’t like to think about being out of control.  Earthquakes, unsafe people, cancer?  Pretty scary to think about all the bad things that could happen.

Finding peace is a paradox.  We think we’ll find peace by controlling more and more, but we actually find peace by confronting the myth that we have control over much of anything.  Time to leave that up to God, the Universe, Fate, or whatever word you might like to use for it.  That’s what brings peace.  Rock the things you do have control over, and let go of the rest.

Thanks for reading my work…and, I apologize that Frozen is now in your head.  My bad.

Maybe it feels like Groundhog Day.  A hamster wheel that never stops.  The never-ending rollercoaster ride to Perdition.  You’ve tried and tried and tried to make a relationship work, or to talk yourself into feeling better.  It’s not working.  Can’t I just be happy?  Stop suffering every day?  Have a good relationship?  Live a good life?  Maybe even just survive life on this floating rock in the middle of space?

Here you are…looking on the web for something to hope in.  Maybe someone can help.  Whatever your struggle might be, you can’t ignore it anymore.  There has to be something better out there, right?  Can I even dare to hope that it could be better?

The truth is, the way we do therapy isn’t for everyone.

A couple comes in and sits on the couch, and there is a lot of real estate in between them…it’s pretty frosty in the room.  One might be crying, the other angry or checked out and just there because their partner made them come by threatening divorce.  They each tell their side of the story, and then the question comes, “Can you help us?”

At Peace Counseling, our therapists can confidently say “Yes, …if.”  If what?  We live in a world that is into instant fixes and give me a pill for that or a checklist to complete to feel better and make myself or my spouse happy.  The most common thing we hear is “Give us some tools so that we can communicate better.”  At this point it is important to ask yourself, “Do we want our marriage to be better for the rest of our lives, or just for a few months?”

We have the tools, but…

We have lots of tools to help you communicate better and feel better, this is true.  The problem is, we have to get to the root of the problem to make whatever is ailing you and your relationship better.  Not just putting a band-aid on a stab wound, but undergoing the emotional therapy that is needed for healing what is really going on beneath the surface, on the deepest levels.  If you are interested in short-term therapy that will help for the short term, we are probably not the best choice for you.

If you are interested in life-long changes that will help your marriage go the distance until death parts you; the work that gets you off meds and you can feel better without them; the kind of work that reverberates through generations after you; the kind of work that will literally have an effect on your grandchildren’s lives and that will help you get off that hamster wheel and rollercoaster, then we are the right practice for you.

What it’s like.

The couple that comes in and sits on opposite ends of the couch has a difficult road ahead.  We’re not here to sugar-coat it.  Therapy is hard.  Many times it gets a little worse before it gets better.  What we can say from years of experience and walking individuals and couples through this difficult path is that it will work if you work it.  It will get better.  Whoever shows up on the couch with humility and courage will get what they need from the process.  Take a look at some of our testimonials.  What we do absolutely works, but it is the road less traveled.  There is plenty of grace and patience for you in this process, because our therapists have walked the path that we take our clients on, and we know how hard it is.

Our method is one that is meant to give hope and understanding quickly.  We will get to know you in the first few sessions (usually 2-4) and then present to you feedback about what we see and the path we are suggesting to get you out of where you are.  We are not therapists who rub our chins and say benign statements like “Tell me how you feel about that.”  You will receive direct, bold, and objective feedback about where you’re at and how to get out.

We will develop an understandable vocabulary together to talk about complex feelings that are hard to describe.  The number one thing we hear from our feedback sessions is “How you describe it…it all makes so much sense.”  Yes.  That’s what we’re looking for.  We want what is really happening to be understandable, because how will we change anything if we don’t understand it?

If you want to feel better for the rest of your life, to have better relationships for the rest of your life, to feel more and more peaceful for the rest of your life, then let’s get started.  There is no time like the present!  Our therapists are here to help you make those life-long changes you’re looking for.

If you have any further questions regarding our paradigm or our policies, please feel free to contact us via the contact page or call 317-605-7015.  You may also check the FAQ page on this website.

I had a client ask me one time, “Where does peace come from?” You see, I have a mug in my office that has a saying on it about peace, and I think it captures the feeling that most everyone that comes to therapy is looking for…it reads: “Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”

We’re not so naïve as to think that there won’t be trouble or hard work in our lives. We know there will be. We don’t expect to always feel amazing and filled with joy, for our marriages to always be perfect, or to never have problems. Yet when these things happen to us, why do we let our peace be stolen?

If we believe a myth that our peace comes from our circumstances, we are precariously perched for pain and disappointment indeed. We are susceptible to all kinds of misery and joy, that is the nature of the human condition, but we will not be truly peaceful while we are doing either one if we believe that our peace is dependent on what is happening to us. Even when good things are happening in our lives, if we believe our contentment comes from what is going on externally, it will still elude us because we will still be trying to control how long the good stuff lasts, the same as we try to control how long the bad stuff lasts. We try to manage others and our environment instead of ourselves.

When my client asked me where peace comes from, my answer had several facets. I believe peace comes from letting go of the myth that I have more control than I actually do. I think peace comes from relinquishing the expectation that others can make me feel… feel bad or good or angry or sad or jealous or anxious. They can hold up the mirror to attachments or beliefs that I have that aren’t serving me very well, but the truth is that no one can make me feel anything without my cooperation.

I believe that peace cannot live inside me if I am overly focused on things I cannot change or things that may or may not happen. I believe that the acquisition of peace is a by-product of letting go of unhealthy attachments and beliefs. It comes after walking the valley of the shadow of death through my own deepest darkest places to the beautiful light at the other end of the tunnel. As Robert Frost would say, it is the road less traveled, and it truly does make all the difference.

I think of peace as the hallmark, the prize that one receives in their feelings when they are emotionally fit. Like being physically fit, working through emotional issues requires showing up, working out, practice, study, dedication, repetition, focus, motivation, and stamina. By the way, it also takes a truck-load of courage.

This process isn’t for the feint at heart. Many people go to a great deal of time, effort, and expense to AVOID working through this stuff. (That’s what addictions are, for example.) My question to you is, how bad do you want it? Real peace…is it worth the work, the time, the effort, all of it? I’ve taken many people on the walk to peace…well, sometimes it’s more like an army crawl through the mud, but we make it. I continue to walk it out myself every day and will continue to grow in this way for the rest of my life. That’s why I named my practice Peace Counseling Group. Would you like to join me and the others who have gone before you? It’s up to you, the quality of your relationships and how you feel for the rest of your life depends on you.

I hope you will join me, and those who work with me, on this amazing journey. Whomever shows up hungry will leave full of new ways to think about relationships and life. I want the best for all of our clients, life-long changes, not just bandaids. My colleagues and I are ready to go when you are.

Sincerely,

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW

Owner, Peace Counseling Group

If you have any further questions regarding our paradigm or our policies, please feel free to contact us via the contact page or call 317-605-7015. You may also check the FAQ page on this website.