Anger = “Ouch”

Apr 21, 2013 | Blog, cut-off, fear, forgiveness, making changes, Uncategorized

It’s probably no surprise that the number one reason people give for picking up the phone and calling for a therapy appointment is “We just can’t communicate.” Even if the reason is something else: infidelity, addiction, anxiety, or relationship issues with friends and family, most folks will trace the problem back and identify it as beginning with a lack of communication. That’s exactly the topic I want to address today.

I have come to find that pretty much everyone that walks into our office is actually quite eloquent in communicating. Go figure! They are able to state how they feel or what they think with relative ease most of the time. So why then these overwhelming reports of people who lack this ability? I think the problem is less about the ability, or lack thereof, in communicating and more a problem of listening non-reactively and translating.

We are all the walking wounded. We were hurt, and didn’t get enough love, affection, attention, and/or gentle nurturing as kids. Little kids are voraciously needy creatures, and no two parents can give enough, and perfectly, to allow their kids to emerge into adulthood unscathed. Just doesn’t happen. It’s not about bad-mouthing parents. We all do the best we can with what we’ve got, and parents are walking wounded from their own childhoods. Everyone gets wounded. So since we are wounded, we all have ouchies in our hearts that get poked from time to time, and we will invariably choose to be in a relationship with someone who is uniquely suited to hurt us and NOT meet our needs. That’s the law of attraction, backwards as it is. So we live with those who hurt us most. When something hurts, we react. Anger. We have to protect ourselves. That’s not so hard to understand.

Not so surprisingly then, we think that people mean exactly what they say when they’re angry. Not so much. We actually want our partners, friends, and family to read between the lines and know how we feel underneath our words. The angry teenager inside us that comes out to protect our wounds says mean and hurtful things to get the other person to back away from our wounds. We all do it, until we learn that we are doing it, and then we get better but STILL do it sometimes. It OK, no shame in admitting it. We speak out of defensiveness, and then wonder why our loved ones can’t hear the real problem and understand how we feel. ”He just doesn’t listen.” ”She can’t hear me.” Nevermind that when we speak in this defensive way, we are hurting the other person in THEIR worst wound, causing their defensiveness to be stirred. Now we’re doing our dance of anger.

I want to suggest an alternative course of action, a different translation if you will, when you hear your partner become angry or defensive. What if you began to learn to hear what they are really saying underneath? When your partner gets angry, what if you translate that in your head to “My partner is saying ‘ouch’.” Isn’t that what they are really saying? Look at it closely. For example, Mary angrily says, ”Bob, you didn’t pick up your socks for the 26th day in a row!” What she is really saying is, “I feel like you you don’t appreciate the hard work I do to keep the house clean.” What her anger is really saying is “Ouch, I am not appreciated!!!” Instead of hearing “ouch” and responding with compassion to the real hurt feeling underneath the anger, Bob hears, “You are a bad spouse and you forget all of my needs, you piece of crap!” Ouch!!! Now Bob responds with defense of his own…and says, “I work outside the home all day, and picking up socks is your job!” Bob is backing Mary off from his wound, and counter-attacking Mary with “You’re a bad wife because you don’t appreciate all of the things I do to contribute and only focus on my short-comings.” Ouch!!! And so the anger dance is underway.

What would happen if one or the other, or both of them, could hear their partner saying “ouch” instead of an attack? Softness, vulnerability, and humility would begin to grow along with learning and growing to be a safer partner in a relationship. Hmm. That sounds pretty good, right? So why don’t people do it? First and foremost, pride. Pretty straightforward and simple. If I admit that you are saying ouch, then I have to admit I’ve done something wrong, and then, even worse, change. Change is hard. Having the humility to admit you’ve hurt someone is even harder, as is taking responsibility for one’s actions. I also have to put my feelings and wounds aside while we concentrate on yours. We also fear, “when will I get heard?”

See all of the things that have to be dealt with before one of you can stop the dance of anger before it really gets going? See how easy it is to blame the whole thing on “We can’t communicate!” instead of working on yourself? There is nothing simple or straightforward about dealing with this pride, and ultimately overcoming it. Getting to a place where you can hear what the person is actually saying instead of the surface conflict of the moment takes practice and a willingness to face your own fears, heal some of your own wounds, and get your over-reactivity under control. Not easy. It is worth it though, and it will permeate every relationship you have when you get there. Think about pointing the finger at the mug in the mirror instead of your partner. I need to learn to listen better and react less. I need to be safer for my partner. I need to learn where my partner is wounded so I can understand their pain. You are the only one you can control anyway.

That’s what I have today. If you need help translating or understanding yourself, healing yourself, or getting a handle on your reactivity, haul your own carcass into a great therapist’s office. Do it for you and no one else. Thanks for reading!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Confident Humility

Mar 17, 2013 | Blog, boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, grace, inner voice, respect, self-care, shame, Uncategorized

Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it? How can confidence and humility live together in the same phrase? That is exactly what I want to discuss today. Make yourself a cup of your favorite beverage and let’s tackle this unusual, seemingly oppositional idea.

I want to start by breaking this down into two halves. Let’s start with “Confident”. What does it mean to have confidence? I think we can begin by describing the difference between confidence and arrogance. There is a huge difference, although many folks use these terms interchangeably. To me, confidence doesn’t have anything at all to do with being arrogant. Arrogance is ego. Arrogance is the attitude that “I’m all that and a bag of chips, and my you-know-what doesn’t stink.” Confidence is believing in yourself and your abilities, but more importantly, in your worthiness to be loved. Arrogance and ego cannot exist in the presence of humility. Confidence can. Arrogance is about pride, and humility is the opposite of pride. Confidence is a belief that I can be the recipient of grace. I can attain the radical acceptance of my worthiness of being loved not because of what I’ve done, but because I am.

What if we explain “worthiness of being loved” like this: think about a baby who has just been born. Are they perfectly lovable? Yes. Why? They haven’t done anything good or bad. They just are. They are lovable because they are…they haven’t earned love or worthiness. Yet we love them so very much. The fact that we are worthy of love does not change with our age or falterings. We are still completely lovable because we are. We can have confidence in this fact. I have come to find, and I know this feeling personally, that people who have grown up with shame have a deep belief that they are not good enough. When did we start to believe this lie? Usually when we’re kids and we, quite arrogantly, take absolutely everything personally. Then we take that belief into adulthood. But is that really true…are we really not good enough to be loved? We are not perfect, that is true. I would like to suggest that we can be both imperfect and perfectly lovable simultaneously. This is the heart of Confident Humility.

Having the confidence that we are worthy of being loved will sometimes feel like arrogance, but it is not if your heart is in the right place. It is believing a truth about ourselves as a human being. If you have spent your life as a “shame-ite” as I lovingly refer to them, (and myself, too!), you have spent your life having forgotten the truth that you are lovable simply because you are. THAT is actually arrogant. Shame is arrogant. It insinuates a self-importance that is prideful. Confidence that you are lovable, not because of anything you have done, is receiving grace. You cannot earn grace, then it is no longer grace by definition. Now, here comes the biggie…when you have the confidence that you are lovable because you are, and you have it all by yourself, you do not need it from anyone else. You don’t have to trade to get it from anyone. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you are good enough. You don’t have to earn acceptance from anyone. When you can do this, you become relationally safe. Non-manipulative. No trades. No codependency. No over-neediness. You can let others be and do exactly what they choose without trying to change or manipulate them into giving you acceptance. You give it to yourself by believing the truth of your lovability.

Now let’s move onto the “Humility” piece. Now that I know that I am completely lovable because I just am, as a human being, how do I not only protect from having that grow into ego, pride, and arrogance, but also simultaneously acknowledge the fact that I am not perfect? Humility. Here’s what it looks like when you put it all together: ”I know that I am lovable for no other reason than I am, but I acknowledge that I am SO not perfect, and I WILL hurt the people I love. It is inevitable. I cannot be perfect. When I hurt you, I want you to tell me, because you will be helping me grow in the places where I am weakest, you are teaching me to be careful with your feelings, you are connecting with me by telling me what it is like to be you, and I want all of those things. I never want to hurt you, so when I do, tell me so I can learn, grow, and change.” This takes a tremendous amount of courage, because we have to admit our shadow side and our shortcomings to hear someone say “ouch” to us.

Humility must be balanced as well, same as confidence. I do not want to become a feather at the mercy of the wind, or a boat at the mercy of pounding waves. I am not going to blindly accept every criticism of me that I hear as the gospel truth, either. I am going to run it through my own truth about myself, and see if I can find truth in your point of view. If I can look at myself humbly and see that you have a good point, I am going to integrate your feedback. If you tell me something that is just not a part of how I see myself, I can still acknowledge your opinion as valid, even if I don’t agree. You can still have a different opinion of me, and we may have to agree to disagree about things sometimes, but I can always connect with you and accept your truth for what it is…your truth. I can be sensitive to that, and understand you without having to believe and change everything about me to be who you think I should be. This is where it is so very important to “temet nosce” or “know thyself.”

So, to wrap this up, there is a balance to be had here. Confidence that I am completely lovable for no reason other than I am a human being. Humility to know that I am not perfect and never will be, and I will hurt the ones I am closest to from time to time. When I do, I can apologize and grow, instead of becoming wounded that they do not see me as good enough. I already know I am. My confidence gives me the strength to be humble. Isn’t that something? It also makes me safe for others to be exactly who they are and not who I need them to be to feel OK. Working on this in yourself will send ripples of change through every relationship you have, and draw others toward you.

That’s what I have for you today. I wish you the confidence to know that you are loved, and the humility to realize you can be hurtful, and they both occur at the same time. A difficult concept to grasp, let alone integrate. Wow, is it worth the effort, though. You and your relationships will never be the same because of it.

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

The One Question Codependency Test

Jan 13, 2013 | Blog, codependency, enmeshment, making changes, Uncategorized

I am all about keeping things as simple as possible. What I have come to find is that, in the world of understanding human behavior and explaining it, it can become quite complex in a BIG hurry! People are simply complex organisms. The more I learn, the more I have found that meanings are hidden, causes may not be anywhere near the effect, and paradoxes are more the norm than the straight forward answer. So when I find something that helps make a concept easier, I love it! Today, what I have for you is a one question “test” to see if you or I are about to be, or have been, codependent. The reasons why this is an effective test are numerous and complex, but I’ll try to give a little glimpse. See what you think.

Before we get to the test itself, first let’s briefly define codependency. Codependency is summed up well with 4 characteristics: other-centeredness, needy, insecure, and passive. Those who struggle with codependency have a hard time saying “no”, even if saying “yes” means that they will be spread too thin, or they really want to say “no.” They tend to be martyr-like. They give-to-a-fault so others will accept them or think they are wonderful. They almost always put themselves and their needs last. I KNOW you know someone like this, you may be like this, and even if you aren’t a lot of the time, there are times when you can be. It’s extremely common.

OK, so, back to my test. How can I check myself to see if my current, past, or pending behavior is codependent? I have a question that will help determine this quickly. Actually, it’s two variants of the same question, depending on if you are trying to decide if what you are about to do is codependent, or if you have already done the deed. Here we go, ready?

“If I do this, will I resent someone?” OR
“Do I resent someone, now that I have done this?”

Codependency, (and counterdependency too, for that matter) are about some sort of relational FUSION or enmeshment. Resentment is an excellent feeling to test, to take your “fusion temperature.” Now, this next sentence is going to sting a bit, if you really want to look a little deeper…ready? Testing your level of resentment is essentially testing the level of control and manipulation you are trying to inflict on the person you are resenting because of the fusion. This is a tough concept to grasp, because is takes a very deep level of humility to look at oneself with that clear of a laser scope. And, you may have never considered looking at it from that angle before. If you resent someone after you have done something for them, and they have not appreciated you enough, thought well of you enough, repaid you enough, or otherwise completed the unspoken trade you initiated with your behavior…there’s resentment.

So what you have given or done has not been about you giving freely or acting completely autonomously, it has been about getting something from the other person in return….translation: attempting to manipulate or control a behavior from the other person. When we are fused or enmeshed, we need to do this in order to get a wound deep in our hearts soothed. Maybe the wound looks like this voice in your head: “I don’t feel very good about myself, so YOU make me feel better about myself by telling me how great and selfless and giving I am.” Sorry. I know that is a big glimpse in an unflattering mirror. Can we be that real, though? In the quiet stillness in the depths of your mind, when you are all alone in a dark room with no one around, think about it. No one will judge you there, you can be completely vulnerable and honest with yourself.

Think about what you wanted the person you resent to give you, and then consider why you need it so much. Then, and here’s the big one, give it to yourself. Acceptance? Accept yourself, warts and all. Praise? Praise yourself for a job well done. Love? Love yourself. Know you are worthy of it. What is it you need to give yourself to feel better? Think about how invasive and hurtful it is to try to manipulate or control someone else into giving it to you. I know it stings to see it that way; but in order to change how we feel inside, we have to take a deep, hard look and call it what it is.

This manner of relating keeps you tied to others, needing them for you to feel OK, and it keeps you in a panic for how you’re going to keep the salve coming from them. You’ll trade your self to get it. I would encourage you to move through this current behavior and heal the wound so you don’t need the salve anymore. Give what you’re longing for to yourself. Love and accept yourself. Become safe for the other person by not invading and controlling to get that need met. Find peace from the struggle of getting others to fill you up or soothe you. No trades; no manipulation; no control; no invasion; no anxiety about where the next fix of love, acceptance, or praise is coming from. Then you will be able to give, truly give, without resentment.

That’s what I have for you today. If you enjoy my blog, please feel free to forward the link or sign up for the mailing list that notifies recipients of when a new blog is posted. Any questions may be directed to neisenmanftca@gmail.com. Thank you for your support! My readers ROCK!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Shut The Frau Up!

Oct 29, 2012 | Blog, grace, inner voice, making changes, shame, Uncategorized

Pardon the play on words, but it really is the perfect title for this post! I promise by the end, you will understand why I chose it.

I was thinking this week about the “voices” we humans hear in our heads. No, this is not a schizophrenic or delusional thing I am talking about here! I am talking about the very normal, everyday thoughts that go through our heads. Have you ever noticed that you “talk” to yourself almost non-stop? What do the voices in your head say to you?

“I look really pretty today.”
“Wow, that was a stupid thing I just did.”
“She is so much skinnier than I am.”
“No one loves me.”
“I did a really good job on that project.”
“I am a terrible father.”
“I forgot to pay that bill.”
“I’m an idiot.”

Pretty much non-stop chatter in there, right? One time long ago, I had a therapist explain it to me like this…”we all have numerous ‘people’ and ‘personalities’ in our head, so to speak, it’s just a matter of which one steps up to the mic to be heard.” When it’s time to pay bills, the responsible financial analyst steps up. When in an argument, the angry teenager inside may come out to protect. When looking in the mirror, there may be more than a few choices as to who steps up to put their two-cents in.

And have you ever noticed that they don’t always agree? What if I can’t decide between breaking up with my boyfriend or trying to work it out? One part of me talks me into it, and another part of me talks me out of it. One part tells me I look great in my new jeans, and another part tells me I couldn’t look good in ANY jeans. One part of me knows that I am worthy of being loved well, and another part tells me that no one could ever love me. Catch my meaning?

So in my own recovery work, I have been thinking a lot about the voice in my head that tells me very mean, negative things. It is a very shaming voice, and this part of me absolutely excels at finding every single flaw about me, big or small. In order to name it, pay attention to it, and realize it when “she” steps up to the mic, I have given “her” a name…Frau Hitler. (I am German, and “frau” means “wife”, so it seems quite fitting.) She is just straight-up mean and nasty. I was telling a friend of mine about this idea, and she said, “when you talk about her, the picture of her that I imagine she would look like is Edna Mode from the movie, The Incredibles.” Hysterical! I assured her that the Frau is not like the cute and funny spitfire fashion designer portrayed in Edna. She is actually a shaming bully on steroids. She is the voice of damaged self-image and shame; and at times, it can seem as though she is screaming into a bullhorn!

I know this is a very common problem, in fact I think everyone has a Frau Hitler of some kind and to some degree running around in their head. Some more than others, and some folks give their particular “frau” more mic time than others. I have often wondered the best way to deal with this issue of damaged self-image and negative self-talk (shame), as a therapist-in-training. Warm and fuzzy audio tapes in the ears? Pasting affirmations to every mirror? Hypnosis? I mean seriously, what is the best way to build a positive self image?

Intuitive thinking would say “well, just start talking to yourself nicely.” Ya, like that’s super easy…right? I’ll just conjure up someone in my head who thinks I’m beautiful and lovable and the best thing since sliced bread and let HER/HIM have the mic…after all, she can take on this powerhouse that has ruled my thoughts about myself since I can remember…piece of cake. Um, no. Doesn’t work that way. Why? Because it feels like a lie. We can conjure it up, but we won’t believe it.

So instead, how about we take the back way in…the paradox, the counter-intuitive? Shut the Frau up! Commandeer her bullhorn immediately! You’ve heard the phrase, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” EXACTLY. Just do it in your own head! Let her take a nice, long vacation in Siberia, like for the rest of your life. Then, when that’s done, find out why she was created in the first place, and grieve the pain that made her. Work through it, feel it, process it, sit in it. Realize that she came from a lie: a lie you heard when you were little. Who insinuated, or straight-out TOLD you, that you were not good enough in some way? That person, or those people, became the voice of your Frau. When you stop listening to the lies and deal with the pain, the truth will begin to come into your thoughts naturally and start to heal you.

Who gets the most mic time in your head? My hope for you is that you can see the beautiful creature you are. Inside and out. To give the mic only to those parts of you that love, care for, and nurture you; and to take it away from any part that doesn’t. It may feel like doing so will give you permission to make mistakes or become arrogant, but that too is a lie. Keep hold of your conscience, let go of the shame. Learning to give this love and grace to yourself will help you see the world completely differently, create a peace in your mind that you’ve been dreaming of, and help you love others easily.

There you go. Now, affectionately and with all the love in my heart…..shut the Frau up!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Differentiation 205

Sep 13, 2012 | abandonment, anxiety, Blog, cut-off, family systems theory, fear, goals, Uncategorized

Welcome to The Waiting Room today! It is a BEAUTIFUL fall morning, and I have just made myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee. Yummy! Curl up on your favorite comfy chair and join me for a short siesta. Once again, today we are working on differentiation.

So I have posted before about this crazy differentiation word. I will likely post about it again in the future as well. You see, this notion of differentiation really IS “where it’s at.” If you can work toward incorporating this concept, this way of thinking and relating, into your life…you will absolutely have not only greater peace inside your mind, but ALL of your interpersonal relationships will not be able to be anything but more healthy, balanced, fulfilling, safe, calm, close, loving….these wonderful words and many more.

To recap then, what is differentiation? The simplest description of it I can come up with is this: “knowing who you really are, and having the ability to control your anxiety, (remaining non-reactive), to real or perceived fluctuations between emotional and relational closeness and distancing of others.” OK, one more time in English… “to not freak out when you think someone is cutting off or pulling away from you, or trying to get too close or intimate.” For example, you all know “commitment-phobes”…they have anxiety over someone getting too close. What about the person who chases after the commitment-phobe? They have fears about being alone. How about a little less obvious…What about a husband that avoids/hates deep, connected, or intimate conversations? What about a wife who is lonely? This is all anxiety about closeness and distance. We ALL have this going on inside of us to some extent.

I am here to tell you…controlling this anxiety inside is SOOO not an easy thing to pull off! Not even kidding. Sakes! It first takes an awareness of what it is and when you’re doing it, no small feat, and then you have to be able to act counter-intuitively to how you have always acted while protecting yourself from emotional wounding. It is un-learning your learned defensiveness and facing your worst fears head-on. You literally have to overcome the natural protective instincts of the most powerful part of your brain, sometimes referred to as your “Lizard Brain” or “Reptilian Brain”, which I have blogged about before. Beware The Timeless Lizard

Let’s work a little deeper on this today, and move toward a better understanding of what differentiation looks like. I attended a training given by our resident expert on differentiation, Jerry Wise. He gave us a sheet that describes the 5 characteristics of self-differentiation that I wanted to share with you. Here they are:

“A Sense of My Own Limits, And The Limits of Others. A clear understanding of where I end and someone else begins; respect for the right of others to be the way they are, but refusing to allow others to intrude upon one’s own rights; defined from within, rather than adapting to please others.
Clarity About What I Believe. What would I die for, and what’s not worth it? Of what am I certain, and of what am I not so certain?
Courage To Take Stands. Defining where I stand and what I believe, in the face of disapproval; refusing to give in to another when it is a matter of principle; capacity to stand firm in the face of strong reactions. (ex. “You can’t think, act, feel that way and be a part of this family!”)
The Ability To Stay On Course. Resolve to follow through toward a vision in spite of sabotage; emotional and spiritual stamina to stick with a lofty goal and not let others’ reactions change your course.
Staying Connected In Spite Of It All. Maintaining a relatively non-reactive give-and-take with those who are reacting to you, (easier said than done!); resisting the impulse to attack or cut-off from those who are most reactive to you.

The first three have to do with self-definition. The last two have to do with self-regulation. BOTH are necessary for a healthy relationship. Definition of Self is a life-long process, in which we can only take small steps at any one time. The essential capacity one must develop is that of self-regulation (taking responsibility for the management of one’s own anxiety and reactivity.)” (Leave me a message if you want to know the source of this, and I will see if Jerry has it.)

Nowadays, most of the time I can call myself out when I am under the influence of my issues/wounds by admitting, “That was clearly not my most differentiated moment.” Yep! It takes a long time to get the hang of it, and then ya still slip sometimes. While I have been working on this change in me for about 6 years now, and have a lot of really good successes, I still have my moments. Oh boy, do I have my moments.

“So, then,” you ask, “why bother? This sounds like a slow, arduous process.” Yes it is, but the more I study and learn, the more I know that self-differentiation is the completely worthy goal and it is so incredibly powerful when it comes to inner and relational peace. It’s lifelong, and difficult, and it’s not about “how-to lists”; but rather about hearing and learning from experiences and insights, followed by a readiness to grow and change. Even small changes can make a huge difference in relationships and in your mind. Changing your life’s focus and paradigm to a goal of continued differentiation will alter, for the better, both how you feel inside and how you interact and love everyone.

Thanks for reading, and have a differentiated day!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.



Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com

Peace Counseling Group

Contact Me

Death By Comparison

Sep 3, 2012 | Blog, faith-based living, goals, making changes, Uncategorized

I’ve been thinking lately about things that are capable of stealing and killing joy in our lives. Everyone wants more joy in their life, right? I know I do. Life is pretty darn hard, and joy breathes a welcome respite into the difficult journey. I wanted to talk today about one persistent, internal, covert, and completely changeable behavior that can rob you of all kinds of joy. Comparison.

I was thinking about something as simple as one’s salary, for example. Perhaps someone has an income that is sufficient for their basic life necessities, they can make ends meet, and they have “enough.” They feel rather content, feeling blessed that they have a place to sleep, clothes to wear, and food to eat. Then what happens? They find out that Joe who works down the hall doing the exact same job makes $2000 more/yr. All of a sudden, they’re no longer happy with their job or salary, and anger and resentment builds. Immediately gone is the joy, the outlook of blessing, the gratitude of having enough. All of a sudden, what they make is $2000/yr not enough. Likewise, someone who makes $200,000/yr can feel they are having a hard time financially, while someone who makes $20,000/yr feels blessed because they have enough to eat and a place to sleep. Comparison to the norms of the world, and what you think you should have, can steal your joy in a heartbeat.

What about relationships? The same thing is true when people look at the lives of others and say “I wish I had…” or “at least you have…” What happens when we compare what others have to what we have? Usually one of two things: 1) our joy is gone because we don’t have as much as someone else, and we pine for more; or 2) we become judgmental or condescending, finding ourselves “better than” because we have more. Both are joy destroyers.

There are more options than just 1) and 2) however. For example 3) we can look at someone else who has more, and be joyful with them in their blessings, 4) not worry about comparing, and still feel thankful for what we have, 5) see that someone else has less than we do and share, etc. If we chose these options, how might our joy increase?

The adverb that comes to mind is “exponentially.” What joy there is in gratitude! A heart filled with gratitude has no room for anger and depression. Endlessly comparing what we have to what others have is a recipe for despair and a life driven by hunger and greed and feelings of wanting.

You’ve heard the sayings: “the grass is greener,” and ”keeping up with the Joneses,” for example. You never really know what is going on in the lives of others, the hardships and obstacles and pains they face. When it comes down to it, they are on a different path, a journey to grow them in the places they need growing. It is not your journey. Learn what you can exactly where you are. The Bible goes so far as to encourage us to “Consider it pure joy…when you have troubles of many kinds.” (James 1:2) Say what? Yep. Embrace the truth. You are not a victim. Your troubles are there to teach you. Your circumstances are a classroom to learn, and you can change how you feel without changing any circumstance. Accept the challenge with joy!

Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LSW is an individual, marital, and family therapist. She specializes in couples and marriage counseling, individual counseling, group and family counseling. Nancy serves the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville. E-Counseling available for residents of Indiana.

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Nancy Eisenman, MSW, LCSW is a therapist at Peace Counseling Group, serving the greater Indianapolis area. Surrounding communities include Carmel, Westfield, Fishers, Geist, Noblesville, Brownsburg, and Avon. For more information, please use the contact form or call Nancy directly at 317.605.7015.

Address: 9640 Commerce Drive
Suite 413 Carmel, IN 46032

Phone: 317.605.7015

Email:

nancy@peacecounselinggroup.com