When Problem Solving Doesn’t Solve The Problem
There are consistently couples sitting on my couch that are stuck in the same trap: trying to solve communication problems with problem solving strategies of all kinds. These might be the next best self help book designed to give you (however-many) “steps to better communication with your partner”, something that could be heard on the latest podcast, or the next up-and-coming TikTok content producer. While these little nuggets of information, tools to make life better, have their place in terms of helping couples communicate better, they really don’t get to the heart of the matter.
I was working with a couple recently that was having, of course, communication problems….because every couple I see says that that’s what they have. I have never actually had a client, however, that couldn’t communicate with me, including people that speak English as a second language. Odd right? Why can we communicate just fine with a veritable stranger, but not with our partners, who we have known for quite some time?
The answer lies in the different languages that partners speak without knowing that’s what they’re doing. Because of the very nature of attraction, opposites will attract in terms of relational languages spoken too. The two relational languages are Logic and Feelings. Even if you would consider yourself a mixture of the two, your partner will by nature speak the opposite language from you on any given subject. For example, I make speak logic about money and feelings about family, which means the person I would be attracted to would speak feelings about money and logic about family. They are VERY different languages, and we don’t know we’re not speaking the same one.
In this case, the guy was predominantly logical and his wife mostly a feeler. The guy expressed his frustration at the wife talking about taking a vacation, even though the financial situation didn’t support that possibility. The logic man believed he was being presented with a problem to be solved, and felt disrespected that his wife didn’t see the obvious reality that the money for the vacation she was talking about wasn’t there. He responded to her by explaining, once again, why they couldn’t vacation. Meanwhile, the feelings woman was feeling unheard, misunderstood, and unloved; not because they couldn’t go on vacation, or that there wasn’t enough money, but because she longed for time spent with her husband and was missing him.
These kinds of misunderstandings happen daily with logic and feelings speakers, continuing the process of paper cut (or even stab wound) after paper cut, undermining the feelings of love and respect in the relationship. If you have this going on in your love relationship, it is not something that heals itself. Learning to speak and listen in your partners language as well as your own, and hopefully your partner doing the same, is the key to getting out of these so-called “communication issues.” Becoming bilingual is at the heart of stopping the constant hurts that happen with your partner. We can help. Book an appointment today…don’t wait anymore!